“Spoiler alert: Love is worth everything. Everything.” -Nicola Yoon
Through the years my perception of love has changed. When I was young, I used to believe in love the way you believe in fairy tales. I believed it was some perfect magical thing that was easy and uncomplicated, but as I learned, that’s not even close to true. Love hurts a lot.
I find that I love very easily and freely which leads to a lot of heartbreak. I also don’t distinguish love into categories of romantic or friendship. I just love. I see love as a choice just like you choose to get up in the morning. There is nothing forcing you to, but you just do. You may not be able to choose that you care about someone, but once you care deeply enough, you ultimately make the choice of loving or not loving them, and you continue to make that choice.
Although most romantic love I’ve seen in my life has been pretty screwed up, it is still easy to see that love is hard over time. People fight and have disagreement or rough patches, but choosing to love this person means staying for them, and also sometimes it means leaving for them. Love means doing what’s best for them even if it hurts you both.
To me love is very complicated. It’s just a word without the actions. It can mean always being there when they need you, or telling something they need to hear even if it hurts. It can mean doing what’s best for them or just putting them first. I tend to love deeply and give my all. I expose my vulnerabilities even though I’m typically a private, closed off person. But I also love the wrong people who take advantage of that vulnerability and trust. These people manipulate me because of the emotional vulnerability, and eventually abandon me once they’ve warped me.
The first couple of times, I got right back up, but a person can only tale so much before they break. I shattered after a while. I built up a wall, and I swore I wouldn’t let anyone in.
“Love is giving someone the power to completely destroy you, and hoping that they won’t” -Suzanne Wright
The problem is more likely than not, they will destroy you. I hung on to this idea for a long time to try to save myself from the inevitable pain. However, living like that alone and closed off, it causes just as much pain. The lonely pain doesn’t even give you good memories.
Ultimately, that era came to an end. I met someone, and even though I promised myself I wouldn’t care and that I wouldn’t get attached, I did. He made it pretty easy though. He made me feel something different from I ever had before. He treated me in a way I’d never been treated before. Even though he never loved me, he still made me feel more loved in those two months than I’d felt in my entire life. And even though it ended I don’t regret a second of it, and we’re still good friends. He’s one of my best friends (whether he knows it or not) if I’m being honest.
My whole perception changed. I realized these things aren’t my fault, even if its hard to stop blaming myself. Maybe it’s a good thing that I love so freely and emotionally; it is hard for some people to show those emotions. I used to want people to love me so badly, but now it doesn’t really matter. It’s perfectly fine for me to love someone, and them not to love me back. I just feel more deeply.
I realize that life is fleeting, and you never know how long you have. In that context, I’m glad I can love easily. I also feel the need to tell the people I love that I love them as frequently as I can. I suggest you do the same. You always regret the things you didn’t get to say.