Author: flamingirl6

I'm a college student from a rural state in the USA. I'm just doing my best in life. I love to read and will probably mention books that are inspiring me frequently. Oh and in case you couldn't tell, I am obsessed with flamingos. -Dee
Posted in Emotions

Getting Your Hopes Up

Posted on by flamingirl6

“It was one of those times you feel a sense of loss, even though you didn’t have something in the first place. I guess that’s what disappointment is- a sense of loss for something you never had.”  ― Deb Caletti

I have a bad habit of getting my hopes up about everything, and then, my life is so much harder when it all falls apart.  I see all the bad things in my life, and I try so hard to see the good.  Most of the time the things I see as good are things that haven’t fully developed, like new opportunities and prospects.  This is probably the reason it’s so hard for me to be optimistic.

It is easy to imagine a bright wonderful future when you’re depressed and imagine having certain things in your life.  However, when you have the opportunity to have these things or even do get them, they’re not really what you imagined.  They don’t fix you or make you happy.  They’re probably not even what you imagined because nothing is really like the fairy-tales you imagine.  There are real problems and real issues.

That doesn’t stop you though.  You keep thinking about the future and how it will play out, and this is a mistake.  It blinds you from what is right in front of your face.  There is always that negative little voice in your head that tells you the truth and warns you, but you brush it aside time after time because if you address these concerns you are called negative and paranoid and maybe even crazy.

If the thing you are getting your hopes about is a person or a relationship, a quote from a TV show comes to mind.   In the show Bojack Horseman, Bojack and his girlfriend are breaking up, and to explain why things changed, he says, “Same thing that always happens. You didn’t know me and then you fell in love with me. And now you know me.”  I could really relate to this.

“Sometimes people don’t want to hear the truth because they don’t want their illusions destroyed.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

We see people the way we want to see them.  We see opportunities the way we want to see them.  We gloss over what is actually in front of us with what we want it to be.  We ignore the voice that we hear telling us the truth because we don’t want to hear it.  We allow ourselves to be happy and hopeful on false securities.  We’re happy about something we don’t have and never will because it probably doesn’t even exist outside of our imagination.

Then, whatever it is, gets taken away.  We feel empty and sad and disappointed.  We play a game of what if and try to figure out how we could have ended up with the opposite result.  We obsess and cry over the things that never got the chance to happen like they were ever really ours or in our path.  The worst part is how we blame ourselves.  We get upset because we should have known not to be happy until it was really ours.  We should have listened to that voice in our head that we ignored, but it was always right.  We have to leave with the pain of losing something we dreamed up even though it was never real.  We should know better than to get our hopes up.

-Love, Dee

Posted in Goals

Following Dreams

Posted on by flamingirl6

“Stay true to yourself, yet always be open to learn. Work hard, and never give up on your dreams, even when nobody else believes they can come true but you. These are not cliches but real tools you need no matter what you do in life to stay focused on your path. ” -Phillip Sweet

I have spent my entire life looking up to my older cousin.  He’s always had such big dreams and has done so much to accomplish them even when the world seemed like it was against him.  He’s always seemed so sure of himself and the things he wanted.  I’ve always wished I could be more like him.

My cousin always wanted to be a musician.  He loves music and was always very good at it.  He can pick up an instrument and learn to play in no time at all.  When he was young, our family thought it was cute and supported his love of music.  As we grew up, that changed.  We were both outcasts in our family because my grandmother considered us “not country enough.”  He never seemed bothered by this even though it tore me apart.

Around the time he was in high school, he grew his hair long and formed a heavy metal band with some friends.  He took it very seriously, and they played lots of shows.  He was happy and getting to do what he loved, but our family made fun of him for it.  They told him it was just a fad to cut his hair and grow up, and that he sounded like Nickelback (it made no sense that had a screamer in the band and it was a different type of music altogether).  I think he may have taken it more as a challenge because he just threw himself into his music even harder.

After he was out of school, he took a lot of crappy jobs.  He put his music first and that meant he needed off for shows.  When a place wouldn’t let him off he’d quit.  I mean it’s not the best thing to do, but it was his life and he knew what he wanted to do with it.  At some point, his band broke up after going through lots of different stages.  We all thought he’d quit music after that.  Our family gave him a hard time about not having good jobs and changing jobs so much and for wasting so much time on a music career that they didn’t believe would go anywhere.

He started doing music solo and posting videos on YouTube.  He did some covers and some originals.  It didn’t really take off too much.  He started settling more into his life.  He got a more serious job and worked his way up to manager.  He also had a health issue for a while.  His music took a backseat for a while.  Our family finally thought they had won that he’d just quit.

He started playing again and posting videos.  He played shows solo and recorded his music at a studio.  He actually sells his singles on music websites like Itunes.  He has a small following.  He always believed in himself through all this he even got his own lyrics as a tattoo.

“You can only become truly accomplished at something you love. Don’t make money your goal. Instead pursue the things you love doing and then do them so well that people can’t take their eyes off of you.” ― Maya Angelou

This may not seem like his dreams came true because he’s not a rich rock-star, but he is living his dream in a way.  He’s happy, and he’s doing what he loves.   He’s working to get his music out there.  He has so much confidence and drive.  He never let anything or anyone stand in the way of his dreams.  I feel like people should fight for their dreams in this way and do what they love.  I know that I wish I could accomplish even parts of my dreams like he has.

-Love, Dee

Posted in Emotions

The Effects We Have

Posted on by flamingirl6

“You don’t know what goes on in anyone’s life but your own. And when you mess with one part of a person’s life, you’re not messing with just that part. Unfortunately, you can’t be that precise and selective. When you mess with one part of a person’s life, you’re messing with their entire life. Everything. . . affects everything.” ― Jay Asher

No one really thinks about the things they do and say.  We don’t realize, sometimes may not even care, how our actions affect other people.  The effect can be good or it can be bad, and there is no telling how big of an effect it may have on their lives.  I know we don’t intend to have this effect, but it’s better to realize that we do.

I really never thought about this concept until I read Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher.  The book is about a girl who commits suicide and leaves recordings explaining the reasons she did it and how the people played a part in it.  I mean this book is more about the bad consequences than the good, but it still shows how much something can make an impact.

Obviously, you may never find out about this impact.  I mean people don’t usually leave recordings telling how you hurt them or tell you to your face.  However, shouldn’t you still feel guilty for the things you say and do to hurt people?   You may forget the mean comment you made to someone years ago, but they still remember and probably think about it when they are feeling down.

“Be careful what you say. You can say something hurtful in ten seconds, but ten years later, the wounds are still there.” -Joel Osteen

I still remember many hurtful comments and actions people have done towards me.  They may have just been meant as a joke or lighthearted, but they don’t feel that way.  They still run through my head when I’m feeling down about myself and make me feel even worse.  I know we are all guilty of doing these things myself included.  I am trying to be more careful with the things I say and evaluate if it will be hurtful.

Although I keep focusing on the bad effects, there are also many good effects.  I mean when someone says something really nice to you or about you or compliments you, it affects you also, but in a very good way.  We remember all the things that touch us and make us feel good about ourselves too.  You remember when someone says something or does something that makes your day.

People say mean things and put each other down to feel better about themselves, but wouldn’t it be better if we all just said nice things and brought each other up?  We should think more about what we’re saying before we speak.  We should all consider how our words and actions will affect people.  We don’t know what all these people are going through or how they will handle negative comments.  We all just need to be more careful and thoughtful with our words.

-Love, Dee

Posted in Emotions

Empty

Posted on by flamingirl6

“I felt very still and empty, the way the eye of a tornado must feel, moving dully along in the middle of the surrounding hullabaloo.”  ― Sylvia Plath

I’m usually a very emotional person, but sometimes it flips off.  When this happens, I feel empty and numb.  Nothing really seems to matter it just is.  I can’t find joy in the things I care about.  I can’t get into a good book that only days ago I was entranced in.  I find it hard to write or even get up.  Even the people I care about and love, I know that I feel this way about them, but when I get this way I no longer really feel that emotion.

These feelings don’t stop me from continuing my day-to-day life.  I just pretend everything is normal.  I feel as if I’m on autopilot, just doing what I know to be normal in a robotic manner.  I go to class. I visit with friends and family.  I pretend everything is normal, and surprisingly, very few, if any, people see through it.  I’m not sure if that is a compliment to my acting skills or proof that they just don’t pay close attention.

Everything is happening around me, and it doesn’t feel real.  It’s almost like dreaming and you have no control of anything including what you are doing.  The things that happen don’t even seem to have a real effect.  I only cry because I know I’m expected to.  I only smile because I’m supposed to.  And so on.  Everything just feels draining, and when I’m alone and feeling like this, I can’t make myself do anything.  I just stare at the ceiling or the wall or some mindless television show.  I don’t feel real, and nothing around me feels real.

“Our life is full of empty space.”  -Umberto Eco

Then, slowly the feeling comes back.  It’s kind of like when your leg goes to sleep and you have to move it and feel the prickling pains to wake it back up.  I don’t know what the trigger is to bring it rushing back.  I think sometimes it’s just the right words from the right people who make you feel like everything does matter.

Even though all the emotions and feeling comes back, the emptiness always remains even though it may be less pronounced.  There is always the feeling that maybe the emptiness is something fundamentally wrong with me like I don’t have something everyone else does.  However, I know other people feel this way as well.

It seems like I’m always looking for something to fill this void in my life whether it be people, or activities, or hobbies.  Nothing really fits though.  I can force it all I want eventually it falls apart and the emptiness is back again.  I kind of stopped trying at some point and I just try to accept it.  I can’t fix myself with something else.  I don’t know if I ever will, but I just want to feel complete and whole.

-Love, Dee

 

Posted in Mental Illness

Looking In from Outside

Posted on by flamingirl6

“We must learn to regard people less in the light of what they do or omit to do, and more in the light of what they suffer.” ― Dietrich Bonhoeffer

I realize that it is hard for people to understand the issues of others. However, I believe they need to try to be more understanding. I get very tired of people acting like my issues aren’t real or that they aren’t really that bad or just blaming me for them.

If I could just solve them, I would have done it a long time ago. People tell me just to be happy, but depression doesn’t work like that. I try so hard to see the positive in things, but sometimes I just can’t. People make me feel guilty for feeling the way I do even though I don’t want to feel this way either.

I understand that I’m hard to deal with, but if a person chooses to stay around, they have to accept that I have these problems and that I’m not always the most stable person.  I can’t be blamed for their inability to deal with me at my lows, and neither can they.  People like to say my age causes my issues because I’m immature or too young, but mental illness doesn’t have an age limit.

I’ve also been told I’m too dependent on people as friends. I don’t mean to be. I can be independent and deal with my anxiety attacks on my own, but it is so much harder. I can’t reason through it in the moment because I’m so overwhelmed. I can get through it by myself but it takes longer and is more difficult, so often times I reach out to people who can help. However, then these people seem to be annoyed with me when they’re the person who said they would be there and help. It just makes me feel like a burden on my friends.

I know that they’re trying to help deep down, but the suggestions don’t help. I have been told to go places and be around people when I feel like this, but I’ve tried. It doesn’t stop the breakdown. It just makes me look like a pathetic person when I’m bawling my eyes out in a restaurant or on a bus. It hurts me more seeing the way people stare and laugh and look at you if they notice that you are crying in public.

It makes me feel worse when people tell me to do these things that don’t work for me. It’s not a simple fix. It’s not going to just go away with a snap of my fingers. I mean I’m making progress at least, but they don’t see that. I feel like they’re blaming me for my issues, and that is not fair.  I don’t want to be like this.  I also feel worse about myself because it makes me feel like I should just be able to fix it, but I can’t which makes me feel like a failure.  I can’t even control my own thoughts.  I know they are not purposely trying to make me feel like this, but that doesn’t change the effect.

“The heart of another is a dark forest, always, no matter how close it has been to one’s own.”  ― Willa Cather

This isn’t meant to attack or hurt anyone. I love my friends, and I know they are just trying to help most of the time. I just feel that people need to be more careful in general when making comments about these issues. I realize they have issues of their own and that they are important, and I’m not trying to say mine are more important in any way or make them feel obligated to help. I just wish they’d be a little more sensitive and careful with these topics. I’m trying my best. I know they don’t necessarily feel the same way I do about things or have to go through the issues I do. I am very glad they don’t really get it because I wouldn’t wish mental illness on anyone, but I don’t feel that they should assume these issues have an easy solution.

-Love, Dee

Posted in Uncategorized

Time We Spend

Posted on by flamingirl6

“It is not only the scenery you miss by going too fast- You also miss the sense of where you are going and why.” -Eddie Cantor

In this current age, everything is so fast paced and busy. There is never any down time. I can’t live like that. Sure being busy every moment distracts you from bad thoughts, but it also takes away the meaning of the big picture. Repeating the same tasks over and over sparing no time takes all the fun out of life.

Sometimes, I feel like everyone around me is rushing around, but I’m just standing still. I don’t really do extra things to fill my life up. I barely have the motivation to do the essential tasks. I don’t know how I could find the energy to join clubs and organizations and take extra jobs. Maybe I’m being a slacker and not doing all the things I should. At the same time, every venture and class and social interaction leaves me exhausted. I feel the need to try to make everything perfect and have to put on a whole charade and it’s tiring. I stress about every detail.

I feel like my life maybe isn’t as meaningful as these other people who juggle so many different responsibilities and activities. I could never compete with that. I don’t have any special talents or interests that I take part in. I do what I have to, and the rest of the time I distract myself from my thoughts by reading or writing or just doing things I enjoy. I’m never really busy and I make time for things and people that matter.

“A person being ‘too busy’ is a myth. People make time for the things that are really important to them!” -Mandy Hale

I wonder many times if people are really as busy as the say or if it is a matter of priorities. I mean they always have an excuse and it seems valid. The song “Cat’s in the Cradle” by Harry Chapin is an example. The man in the song never has time for his family. He is always too busy. When he finally has time for his son, it’s too late. He prioritized his life in the wrong order and ended up alone. His job was important but not more important than his son.

I’m not in any way saying that being busy is wrong. I just feel like sometimes its not really busy it’s that you are a lower priority than whatever else is going on. I mean realistically it takes a couple of seconds to send a text. I’m glad that I have less things going on in my life, so it makes it easier to prioritize the people and things that are important to me. Some people take advantage of this and the fact that I’m always around, but that doesn’t make me regret. I’ve never really felt like a priority to anyone, and sometimes that really hurts. At the same time, it doesn’t stop me from making them a priority of mine. I don’t want to have to live with the regret of not being there or making time with them in the future no matter what they do. They have to live with their choices not me. I’d rather be happy and make time for the important things even if that means not doing extra things.

-Love, Dee

Posted in Friendship

Choosing People

Posted on by flamingirl6

“Friendship is so weird. You just pick a human you’ve met and you’re like, ‘Yep, I like this one,’ and you just do stuff with them.”  -Bill Murray

I find it so strange how people just randomly come into your life whether it be a friendship or relationship.  Friendships don’t just appear either.  I mean you know a person and gradually over time you become closer, and at some point you just look over and realize that they’re really your friend.  You can never really pinpoint the exact moment something changed; it could have been any moment.

I don’t think it really starts off as a choice because you don’t choose to meet new people.  It just kind of happens.  I think that certain people are meant to be in your life, and the universe has a way of pushing them into your path.  I mean I’ve met people and just been drawn to them.

“I have learned that friendship isn’t about who you’ve known the longest, it’s about who came and never left your side.” -Yolanda Hadid

Friendship, at least for me, is separate from time.  I’ve met people and felt like I’d known them my whole life after only a couple of weeks.  Friends just become such a big part of your life that at some point you can’t imagine going back to before they were around.  It would feel like an episode of the Twilight Zone if all of a sudden they weren’t in your life.

Time is an irrelevant factor.  People I’ve known for a couple of months or a year can care more than someone I’ve known for ten years.  It’s all about choice.  Whether you choose to be there for someone even when it’s hard and make time to for them even when you are busy.  It’s about whether you choose to stay or walk away.

In the big picture, it seems so weird.  You meet a stranger form a connection or bond with them, and then you spend time together.  You learn about each other, and make memories.  You remember all the random details about this person, and know their life story.  When a short while ago, the two of you were complete strangers.  You don’t even really realize you are choosing them you just do.

I suppose they’re is something that draws you to the person in the first place like maybe their sense of humor.  Maybe you are drawn to their personality because they are more like you want to be whether it be their ability to be realistic or outgoing or maybe their optimism.  Maybe you choose them because they remind you of yourself in a way or because of similar experiences you’ve shared.

No matter what it is, you subconsciously choose this person.  You choose to trust them and let them into your life.  You choose to make memories with them and to be there for them.  You choose to love them for the strange individuals they are.  Most importantly, you choose to let them change your life.

-Love, Dee

 

Posted in Emotions

Unnecessary Guilt

Posted on by flamingirl6

“The worst guilt is to accept an unearned guilt.” -Ayn Rand

I say the words “I’m sorry” countless times a day about everything.  It has become a habit of mine.  A lot of people respond to this phrase by telling me it’s not my fault.  Rationally, I know that, but it doesn’t mean I don’t still feel bad.  I somehow feel guilty and responsible when something bad happens to the people I care about, especially when I’m involved in any way in the situation.  I always think that I could have done something to prevent it, or that it wouldn’t have happened in the first place if they hadn’t met me in some cases.

I worry that they’re going to feel like it’s my fault somehow, and I don’t want them to be mad at me.  I can reason out that it’s not my fault, but it’s a lot easier for people to blame someone else.  I also worry that the future consequences of the event may be my fault.  I harbor a lot of guilt for everything even if it isn’t my fault because in some way I think it could have been different if I wasn’t around.

My guilt starts with my parents’ divorce when I was about 6.  I know everyone says that it’s not the child’s fault in these situations, but maybe it was my fault.  I told my father that my mother was really close to one of her male coworkers.  They fought about it because my father was the jealous type.  Less than a week later, my mom and I moved out.  I can’t help, but blame myself.  Maybe their relationship could have lasted if I hadn’t said some stupid comment.  I can’t take it back, and it bothers me.

I also feel guilty about my mother’s life.  I feel like me being born ruined it.  She blames me for it and the problems she has.  Every time we fight she throws it in my face.  I was the reason she had to stay in a crappy little town because she couldn’t move me.  I was the reason she had a crappy job because that’s the only one she could keep and take care of a child at the same time.  This also caused her to have a college degree that she couldn’t put to use.  I was the reason she was alone because it’s hard for single mothers to date.  Everything was my fault even though I never asked to be born.

I try so hard not to cause people pain or inconvenience, but I’m not perfect, and I know I do.  I’m so worried that maybe it’s my fault that I find ways to make it my fault.  Maybe that’s selfish in a way to turn things into my blame when they aren’t, but it’s easier for me to blame myself because I don’t want the blame to fall on someone else.  I don’t want someone else to feel guilty for it because I already do anyway.  I know I can’t control situations, but I always go to the what ifs.  What if I could have done something? What if it would have been different if they didn’t know me or I didn’t exist? The list goes on and on.

“No matter how frustrated, disappointed and discouraged we may feel in the face of our failures, it’s only temporary. And the faster you can stop wallowing in guilt, blame or resentment, the faster you can put it behind you.” -Fabrizio Moreira

The problem is when I blame myself, the people around me end up feeling bad for me or annoyed that I think it’s my fault, and I don’t want that either.  There really is no good answer in these situations because everyone just ends up feeling bad. I know I have to let all the guilt go and realize it isn’t really my fault or it will continue to consume me.  I just feel like if I don’t accept the guilt, then it might cause the people I care about pain.  None of it really makes sense if you think about it in a logical way, but my brain works on emotion not logic.

-Love, Dee

 

 

 

Posted in Beauty

Beauty

Posted on by flamingirl6

“You will never look like the girl in the magazine. The girl in the magazine doesn’t even look like the girl in the magazine.” -Jessiemae Peluso

Appearance shouldn’t really be something we focus on, but that seems to be all that matters to some people.  I mean we as a society parade girls around to be judged on their looks from a young age like it’s normal.  From a young age, I was convinced I was supposed to look a certain way like the people on television and in magazines.  Everyone has these insane beauty standards that I could never meet.

There were always outside pressures, but the biggest pressure was from inside my own family.  The people who are supposed to love and be there for you were the people who made me feel like I wasn’t good enough.  My grandparents were always concerned with my appearance.  My grandmother always scolded my mom for letting me eat what I wanted.  She would sit there and watch me eat and say things like “Are you sure you should be eating that it’ll make you fat… well fatter.” She’d scream at me for eating carbs or even just eating.  I’d lose my appetite when she’d make a comment or just give me one of those looks.

It didn’t stop there.  She also threatened me for vacations.  She told me if I didn’t lose fifty pounds in a set period of time that I wasn’t going to be allowed to go on the family trip to Disney World, and she was serious.  I barely ate anything and would work out for hours everyday because I wanted to go so badly and I lost enough to go.  I kept it off for a long time because I wouldn’t eat.  I was so miserable not eating anything I liked or getting to really be a kid I didn’t even eat cake on my birthday.

I was glad I lost weight and had already been trying to because of all the comments people had been making at school.  Horribly, nasty comments based solely on my appearance.  The one that stuck the most was I overheard a guy say that they would rather kiss another guy than me because I was so ugly and fat.  When I changed it, I was accepted even though I was the same person.

It went farther than that though my grandmother and everyone else had to throw in their two cents on every detail.  If I didn’t wear makeup I wasn’t perceived as pretty, but if I wore two much, i was perceived as a whore.  If I didn’t dress up, I was lazy, but if I did, I was too high maintenance.   If I wore my hair straight, I was told I should curl it, but if I curled it, I was told it would look better straight.  If my shorts or dresses were too long, I was a prude, but if they were too short, I was a whore.  How is anyone supposed to feel good about themselves if everyone always has a snide comment?

I’ve never thought of myself as pretty, and the things people have said have ruined any self-esteem I ever had.  I look in the mirror and all I see is flaw after flaw.

“Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.” -Confucius

Eventually, I decided not to care.  I gained weight, and I’m chubby so what?  I dress how I want to with what I like.  I fix my hair how I want, and I do my makeup how I want.  I’m not going to try to impress anyone.  I don’t really care what they want.  I’m happier this way.  I’m doing what makes me the happiest.  I still don’t have a high self-esteem, but I’m not stressing over how I should look and what others want.

People may not look at me and think I’m beautiful, but beauty shouldn’t be skin deep because looks fade.  Beauty should be deeper.  It should come from inside and who you are because that is much more meaningful.  Who you are as a person is way more important than how you look on the outside.  Maybe if this was the message society sent, more people would feel comfortable in their own skin.

-Love, Dee

Posted in Love

Deserving

Posted on by flamingirl6
“Unworthiness is the inmost frightening thought that you do not belong, no matter how much you want to belong, that you are an outsider and will always be an outsider. It is the idea that you are flawed and cannot be fixed. It is wanting to be loved and feeling unlovable, or wanting to love and feeling that you are not capable of loving.” -Gary Zuka
     I find that I keep asking myself the same questions over and over.  Why don’t I deserve love?  Am I unlovable? Is there something fundamentally wrong with me that I am blind too?  Every time I have voiced these concerns they always return the same reply. “You do deserve love, everyone does.”,”You’re very lovable.”, and “There’s nothing wrong with you.”  I don’t really know what to say next when I get these responses because I don’t see them as quite accurate.  If everyone deserves love, then why doesn’t everyone get it?  If I’m so lovable, why can’t you love me?  If there is nothing with me, then what drove you away?
     I try not to, but honestly I get bitter when I see happy couples.  I mean is there some hierarchy as to who deserves love more than someone else?  I see these horrible people who are self-centered and think they’re better than everyone else and treat everyone around them like shit have these wonderful loving relationships with all the cute couple things like sending flowers and dressing up for fancy dates.  How is this person more deserving of love than me?
     I’m not saying I’m some wonderful person.  I see all my flaws probably better than anyone else. However, I try my best to be nice to all the people around me and do everything I can for them, but I still get walked all over for it while someone who is rude and mean to other is rewarded for it.
     Maybe I’ve just watched too many fairy tales and Rom-coms in my life.  I guess maybe I focus on the wrong parts of a relationship, but it really bothers me that no one has ever bought me flowers, or been there for Valentine’s Day, or my birthday, or been to a family function even when I was in relationships(not that all of them coincided with those dates).
     I always wanted love to be like those cheesy 80s movies with some grand proclamation.  The classics being standing outside of your window with a boom box (“Say Anything”), or Jake Ryan leaning against his car across the street (“Sixteen Candles”), or showing up on a lawnmower (“Can’t Buy My Love”).  I know how unrealistic that is.  I mean I’m not the kind of girl someone would do that for to begin with.  I’m not what people usually consider pretty, I’m chubby, I’m overly emotional, and I have psychiatric issues.
     I never expect some grand gesture that’s not really the point.  I don’t think my standards are too high. I don’t really think even my bad qualities should make me undeserving of love, but it seems that they do.  I just want someone to care enough and love me enough to do those things.  I mean like the stupid stereotypical couple things that everyone pretends to hate but that they actually love.
      My happiness doesn’t depend on having another person around, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting it.  It doesn’t stop from wanting to be loved.  It doesn’t stop me from getting upset every time I see happy couples in love in real life or in movies.  It doesn’t stop from asking, “Why not me?”
     Every time I ask that, I go through a mental list of my flaws.  I try to find why people don’t want me, and why I drive them away.  I know my emotional issues have driven people away, and it makes me so angry at myself because I can’t help it.  I also can’t help feeling bad about myself or feeling unlovable.

“Eventually you love people – friends or lovers – because of their flaws.” — Karen Allen

However, that’s not the way love is supposed to work.  If you love someone, you love them for who they are, and who they are is the flaws and all.  And if the love isn’t more than skin deep, it isn’t really love anyway.  It’s still hard because no one has been capable of loving me in a romantic sense, and there’s always the nagging voice in the back of my head that says no one ever will.  Even if it’s not my fault, it’s still hard to stop blaming myself because there isn’t anyone else to blame.

-Love, Dee