Tag: relationships

Posted in Appearances

Behind the Mask

Posted on by flamingirl6

“No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true.” ― Nathaniel Hawthorne

We all wear masks to trick the outside world that’s just the way life is.  You portray yourself differently for different people.  You act innocent and respectful and sweet around your parents.  You act smart and hardworking in front of teachers and your boss.  You try to be your best most interesting self with romantic interests.  Even with friends, you probably don’t tell each one everything.  Maybe who we are is all of these masks combined and maybe it isn’t.

It’s hard to tell where you stop and the mask begins.  If you act a certain way for so long, it becomes a part of you.  We pick up different traits and actions.  We mimic others.  At some point, you have to stop and ask yourself who you are.  I know that I couldn’t come up with an answer for that question.  I might really be who I am when I’m alone, or I might be a combination of all the people I am in different settings.  But that still doesn’t answer which thoughts and traits and actions are entirely my own and not influenced in some way by an outside source.

When I read a book, I pick up ideas and see personality traits of characters that I admire.  Subconsciously, I feel that this alters who we are just a bit.  If I’m around people for long enough, I pick up mannerisms and habits like sayings from them, and subconsciously do them myself.  So how can I ever possibly determine where I stop and the mask begins?  Everything gets all muddled together.  We are constantly changing and putting on a mask.  Everyday you might be someone different.

“Don’t you know that a midnight hour comes when everyone has to take off his mask? Do you think life always lets itself be trifled with? Do you think you can sneak off a little before midnight to escape this?” ― Søren Kierkegaard

I think maybe the mask is a form of protection.  If I don’t know who I am, how can anyone else know who I am?  If they never see the real you, maybe it hurts less if they reject you.  I’m not sure that you can ever fully know someone, or that they can know you.  I think we do this as a survival mechanism to blend into our surroundings and do the best we can there.  I know that it really upsets me when I find out that people aren’t who I though they were, but at the same time maybe misrepresenting themselves wasn’t intentional.

I think we kind of act how we perceive the person we are around wants us to act.  We try to be the exact replica of what we think that for that person is ideal.  But even if it’s subconscious, different traits of ours that are less than ideal always break through at some point.  This is when people realize they don’t know you.  This is when relationships end.  This is when people leave.  I feel like it’d hurt a lot more if people rejected entirely who I am rather than just a faint shadow of it.  Maybe, we put on a mask just because we know that we aren’t yet who we want to be, and we don’t want others to see us until we are perfect.

I don’t really think there is one clear solution.  I know a lot of people struggle with identity and where in this world they fit in.  I can’t just be me when I don’t really know who I am yet.

-Love, Dee

Advertisement
Posted in Emotions

Alone

Posted on by flamingirl6

“Don’t go away. I don’t want to be alone. I can’t stand being alone.” -Arnold Rothstein

I’ve always had quite an issue with being alone.  It doesn’t really fit well with being antisocial either.  It’s a really conflicting feeling.  I don’t want to be around people, but I don’t want to be alone either.  I think part of my problem with it may be the way other people act about it.  In school, there were a lot of times where I didn’t have friends so I spent my lunch period eating alone or reading alone in the library.  People always look at you funny when you do those things they laugh or whisper, but the majority of the time they don’t care enough to be nice or to try to talk to you.

Now, that translates to life after school too.  When you go shopping alone, or eat at a restaurant alone, or go to a party or event alone, these fully functioning adults act the same way those mean girls in high school did.  I feel embarrassed and a little pathetic in these situations because of the mocking looks people give.

I hate to feel alone.  I mean besides all the judging of other people, I think too much when I’m alone.  Sometimes, I realize harsh realities that I wish I hadn’t.  It’s easier not to think and to find a distraction.  When people are around, you have this false sense of security.  It’s a distraction to what is going on in your head and life.  But the problem is, even if you fool yourself into believing otherwise, you are still alone.

“We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone.” -Orson Welles

We are alone.  We have to face the world alone.  There is no one by your side.  The fact is people don’t stick around they leave.  They may be there for a long time, but they won’t be there forever.  People grow apart or die in some cases.  Families turn their backs on each other.  Marriages fail.  Friendships end. People move away.

Everyone always says that’s not me that won’t happen, but it does.  It always does.  You hear from people less and less until you look down and realize its been years.  I’m tired of trying to pretend that it won’t happen and that people stay because they don’t.  The distractions are nice while they last, but it’s still an illusion.  No matter what happens you are alone.

-Love, Dee

Posted in Emotions

Broken Attracts Broken

Posted on by flamingirl6

“Sometimes the most beautiful people are beautifully broken.” ― Robert M Drake

A lot of people consider themselves to be broken.  It may be because of a traumatic past or a mental illness or because they just feel like they mess everything up.  Some people hide this the best they can and try to fill their live and be whole.  They lock it up where no one can see and shut off their emotions.  Other people embrace being broken. It’s just part of who they are, and it may be easy to see.

I feel that at least in my experience, broken attracts broken.   This seems to happen for me even when I can’t tell in the beginning if they are broken.  I’m not really sure why this happens.  Maybe we think we can fix each other or that two broken people can make one whole person.  Maybe we just see it as the only option.

If I am around or with someone who I perceive to be whole and unbroken, I don’t feel that I can truly be myself.  I build up a wall and pretend that I am completely together.  I don’t want to bother them, and I don’t want their pity.  The problem is I can’t keep up that act forever.  Eventually, the wall crumbles and they see at least a part of who I really am, and I am a mess.  They don’t like the real person and they leave, or they feel bad for you and they stay, but neither way feels good to you.  You can’t be who they want you to, but you feel pressured to try and to pretendto be.   They never fully understand why you are that way and they can never fully accept it even though they say they do.

“I like that you’re broken
Broken like me
Maybe that makes me a fool
I like that you’re lonely
Lonely like me
I could be lonely with you” -from the song Broken by lovelytheband

I guess subconsciously I choose broken people to protect myself from all that.  I’m more able to be my self around these people. I can be vulnerable.  I don’t have to pretend I’m fine.  I don’t have to hide truths about myself.  I feel more accepted.  I know this isn’t always the case of it being a good thing.  I mean sometimes with all our issues we can hurt each other and inflict pain unintentionally, but somehow, at least for me, it’s still easier.

With other broken people, you don’t feel like you’re a problem that needs to be fixed or have to feel bad about yourself.  You just are.  They’re the same as you, and they’ve been there.  you can just be there for each other without having to explain to someone who never understands.  Even if you’re suffering intrinsically, you can get through it together.  It’s all so much easier when you are around people who feel the same things and experience the same kind of things.

Maybe, I look at this completely wrong, but I know what is easier for me.  I know that when I’m with people like me, I don’t feel so alone.  Everything seems so much more bearable.

-Love, Dee