Tag: time

Posted in Emotions

Empty

Posted on by flamingirl6

“I felt very still and empty, the way the eye of a tornado must feel, moving dully along in the middle of the surrounding hullabaloo.”  ― Sylvia Plath

I’m usually a very emotional person, but sometimes it flips off.  When this happens, I feel empty and numb.  Nothing really seems to matter it just is.  I can’t find joy in the things I care about.  I can’t get into a good book that only days ago I was entranced in.  I find it hard to write or even get up.  Even the people I care about and love, I know that I feel this way about them, but when I get this way I no longer really feel that emotion.

These feelings don’t stop me from continuing my day-to-day life.  I just pretend everything is normal.  I feel as if I’m on autopilot, just doing what I know to be normal in a robotic manner.  I go to class. I visit with friends and family.  I pretend everything is normal, and surprisingly, very few, if any, people see through it.  I’m not sure if that is a compliment to my acting skills or proof that they just don’t pay close attention.

Everything is happening around me, and it doesn’t feel real.  It’s almost like dreaming and you have no control of anything including what you are doing.  The things that happen don’t even seem to have a real effect.  I only cry because I know I’m expected to.  I only smile because I’m supposed to.  And so on.  Everything just feels draining, and when I’m alone and feeling like this, I can’t make myself do anything.  I just stare at the ceiling or the wall or some mindless television show.  I don’t feel real, and nothing around me feels real.

“Our life is full of empty space.”  -Umberto Eco

Then, slowly the feeling comes back.  It’s kind of like when your leg goes to sleep and you have to move it and feel the prickling pains to wake it back up.  I don’t know what the trigger is to bring it rushing back.  I think sometimes it’s just the right words from the right people who make you feel like everything does matter.

Even though all the emotions and feeling comes back, the emptiness always remains even though it may be less pronounced.  There is always the feeling that maybe the emptiness is something fundamentally wrong with me like I don’t have something everyone else does.  However, I know other people feel this way as well.

It seems like I’m always looking for something to fill this void in my life whether it be people, or activities, or hobbies.  Nothing really fits though.  I can force it all I want eventually it falls apart and the emptiness is back again.  I kind of stopped trying at some point and I just try to accept it.  I can’t fix myself with something else.  I don’t know if I ever will, but I just want to feel complete and whole.

-Love, Dee

 

Posted in Friendship

Choosing People

Posted on by flamingirl6

“Friendship is so weird. You just pick a human you’ve met and you’re like, ‘Yep, I like this one,’ and you just do stuff with them.”  -Bill Murray

I find it so strange how people just randomly come into your life whether it be a friendship or relationship.  Friendships don’t just appear either.  I mean you know a person and gradually over time you become closer, and at some point you just look over and realize that they’re really your friend.  You can never really pinpoint the exact moment something changed; it could have been any moment.

I don’t think it really starts off as a choice because you don’t choose to meet new people.  It just kind of happens.  I think that certain people are meant to be in your life, and the universe has a way of pushing them into your path.  I mean I’ve met people and just been drawn to them.

“I have learned that friendship isn’t about who you’ve known the longest, it’s about who came and never left your side.” -Yolanda Hadid

Friendship, at least for me, is separate from time.  I’ve met people and felt like I’d known them my whole life after only a couple of weeks.  Friends just become such a big part of your life that at some point you can’t imagine going back to before they were around.  It would feel like an episode of the Twilight Zone if all of a sudden they weren’t in your life.

Time is an irrelevant factor.  People I’ve known for a couple of months or a year can care more than someone I’ve known for ten years.  It’s all about choice.  Whether you choose to be there for someone even when it’s hard and make time to for them even when you are busy.  It’s about whether you choose to stay or walk away.

In the big picture, it seems so weird.  You meet a stranger form a connection or bond with them, and then you spend time together.  You learn about each other, and make memories.  You remember all the random details about this person, and know their life story.  When a short while ago, the two of you were complete strangers.  You don’t even really realize you are choosing them you just do.

I suppose they’re is something that draws you to the person in the first place like maybe their sense of humor.  Maybe you are drawn to their personality because they are more like you want to be whether it be their ability to be realistic or outgoing or maybe their optimism.  Maybe you choose them because they remind you of yourself in a way or because of similar experiences you’ve shared.

No matter what it is, you subconsciously choose this person.  You choose to trust them and let them into your life.  You choose to make memories with them and to be there for them.  You choose to love them for the strange individuals they are.  Most importantly, you choose to let them change your life.

-Love, Dee