Posted in Emotions


“Beware of perpetrators in disguise… Some people set fires wherever they go, and have mastered the art of playing the burn victim.” –Steve Maraboli

I think everyone is a victim in certain circumstances, but some people seem to play the victim. It’s something you just believe until you get to know them better and see that they are the problem.  You just have to look at both sides.

The main determinate is perception.  Maybe, there are motives and past events that are not taken into account.  If you hear a story about a man punching another man, you assume the guy that got punched is the victim.  However, the guy that got punched could have been verbally harassing and threatening the guy that punched him which makes the role of victim be reversed.

It’s a tricky subject because you probably will only ever hear the one side.  You can’t really know all the facts unless you were there.  I’ve seen certain people use this to their advantage and play the victim over and over tricking countless other people.  They never even see it coming.  I know I didn’t in certain circumstances.

A common place you see this is when people talk about their past relationships.  They will tell you all kinds of horrible things their ex did to them, but they won’t ever tell you that they were cheating on them.  So you feel bad for them and give them sympathy the they are the “victim” after all.  Then, at some point maybe you date them and they cheat on you, and you realize it was all an act to draw you in.  Another example is guys that claim they are nice guys and complain about never getting the girl.   These guys are usually not the nice guy.  They play the victim to lure people in, and boy, you seem like the fool when you realize the truth.  A similar example is when people complain about always being friend zoned, but fail to mention how they friend zone everyone who doesn’t look like a model.

“Abandon the idea that you will forever be the victim of the things that have happened to you. Choose to be a victor.” ― Seth Adam Smith

Not as many people play the victim as actually are.  The world is a scary place, and lots of terrible things happen to people.  It is completely beyond their control, and they are victims.  Even after everything is over, sometimes you’re stuck in that mindset as a victim.  You never really move past it.

Many people aren’t pretending to be a victim though.  They really feel like they are.  I feel that way sometimes, and I know others do as well.  Sometimes the things that happen to us can’t be helped.  It’s not our fault, but we can’t let it consume us.  We can’t let the things that happen to us define who we are and reflect on the rest of our lives.

If you act like a victim, it seems that you are treated like a victim.  Not just people feeling sorry for you, but also, more bad things seem to happen to make you more of a victim.  At least that’s the way I think.  People see weakness, and they take advantage of that over and over to hurt you more.  You can’t let just anyone in to see your weaknesses and your pain.

You have to see the flip side of being a victim.  Even though bad things happened to you, you made it through and are a survivor.  That is something to be proud of.

-Love, Dee

Posted in Emotions


“Don’t go away. I don’t want to be alone. I can’t stand being alone.” -Arnold Rothstein

I’ve always had quite an issue with being alone.  It doesn’t really fit well with being antisocial either.  It’s a really conflicting feeling.  I don’t want to be around people, but I don’t want to be alone either.  I think part of my problem with it may be the way other people act about it.  In school, there were a lot of times where I didn’t have friends so I spent my lunch period eating alone or reading alone in the library.  People always look at you funny when you do those things they laugh or whisper, but the majority of the time they don’t care enough to be nice or to try to talk to you.

Now, that translates to life after school too.  When you go shopping alone, or eat at a restaurant alone, or go to a party or event alone, these fully functioning adults act the same way those mean girls in high school did.  I feel embarrassed and a little pathetic in these situations because of the mocking looks people give.

I hate to feel alone.  I mean besides all the judging of other people, I think too much when I’m alone.  Sometimes, I realize harsh realities that I wish I hadn’t.  It’s easier not to think and to find a distraction.  When people are around, you have this false sense of security.  It’s a distraction to what is going on in your head and life.  But the problem is, even if you fool yourself into believing otherwise, you are still alone.

“We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone.” -Orson Welles

We are alone.  We have to face the world alone.  There is no one by your side.  The fact is people don’t stick around they leave.  They may be there for a long time, but they won’t be there forever.  People grow apart or die in some cases.  Families turn their backs on each other.  Marriages fail.  Friendships end. People move away.

Everyone always says that’s not me that won’t happen, but it does.  It always does.  You hear from people less and less until you look down and realize its been years.  I’m tired of trying to pretend that it won’t happen and that people stay because they don’t.  The distractions are nice while they last, but it’s still an illusion.  No matter what happens you are alone.

-Love, Dee

Posted in Emotions

Some Perspective On What We Have

“The only thing you sometimes have control over is perspective. You don’t have control over your situation. But you have a choice about how you view it.” -Chris Pine

A while back, I was having a really bad day, and I felt like my life was falling apart because so much was going wrong.  I was talking to a friend of mine about it and telling him the problems I was having, and he asked me why I was upset.  At first, I was a little annoyed because I’d been telling him why, but then, he told me all the reasons I shouldn’t be upset.  He told me I had a place to live, and food to eat, and that I was getting an education.  I felt really guilty after he said that because we take things for granted.

I realize that there are a lot of people who are worse off than me.  I also can see that I have all these opportunities not granted to others.  There are people fighting for their lives, and I’m worrying about stupid problems.  When you have things, its easy to forget about the people who don’t or what it’d be like without them.  I know that my life is really easy compared to people’s lives in other parts of the worlds.

I’m lucky to have the things that I do.  I’m lucky to have the opportunities and experiences that I’ve had, and I am grateful and appreciate them.  I know I should be happy; I seem to have lots of reasons to be.  I feel ashamed to say it and maybe I’m a bad person for feeling this way, but I’m not happy.

Diane: “It’s not about being happy, that is the thing. I’m just trying to get through each day. I can’t keep asking myself ‘Am I happy?’ It just makes me more miserable. I don’t know If I believe in it, real lasting happiness, All those perky, well-adjusted people you see in movies and TV shows ? I don’t think they exist.” -From the TV show Bojack Horseman

It’s not really about the things I have.  I mean they make my life easier and make it easier to exist, but they don’t make me happy.  They just make it easier to exist.  Maybe these things should make me happy, and I’m just being selfish.  I don’t really know.  I mean maybe these things did make me happy briefly sometime in the past, but I’m never really happy for more than a little while.

The things I have don’t stop me from feeling pain and sadness and miserable every day.  I can’t even find the cause of these emotions, so how is that going to stop it?  It actually just makes me feel even mory guilty for feeling the way I do even though I can’t really control it. You can have all the material things in the world and still be unhappy I’m not sure if people realize that.

-Love, Dee



Posted in Emotions

Broken Attracts Broken

“Sometimes the most beautiful people are beautifully broken.” ― Robert M Drake

A lot of people consider themselves to be broken.  It may be because of a traumatic past or a mental illness or because they just feel like they mess everything up.  Some people hide this the best they can and try to fill their live and be whole.  They lock it up where no one can see and shut off their emotions.  Other people embrace being broken. It’s just part of who they are, and it may be easy to see.

I feel that at least in my experience, broken attracts broken.   This seems to happen for me even when I can’t tell in the beginning if they are broken.  I’m not really sure why this happens.  Maybe we think we can fix each other or that two broken people can make one whole person.  Maybe we just see it as the only option.

If I am around or with someone who I perceive to be whole and unbroken, I don’t feel that I can truly be myself.  I build up a wall and pretend that I am completely together.  I don’t want to bother them, and I don’t want their pity.  The problem is I can’t keep up that act forever.  Eventually, the wall crumbles and they see at least a part of who I really am, and I am a mess.  They don’t like the real person and they leave, or they feel bad for you and they stay, but neither way feels good to you.  You can’t be who they want you to, but you feel pressured to try and to pretendto be.   They never fully understand why you are that way and they can never fully accept it even though they say they do.

“I like that you’re broken
Broken like me
Maybe that makes me a fool
I like that you’re lonely
Lonely like me
I could be lonely with you” -from the song Broken by lovelytheband

I guess subconsciously I choose broken people to protect myself from all that.  I’m more able to be my self around these people. I can be vulnerable.  I don’t have to pretend I’m fine.  I don’t have to hide truths about myself.  I feel more accepted.  I know this isn’t always the case of it being a good thing.  I mean sometimes with all our issues we can hurt each other and inflict pain unintentionally, but somehow, at least for me, it’s still easier.

With other broken people, you don’t feel like you’re a problem that needs to be fixed or have to feel bad about yourself.  You just are.  They’re the same as you, and they’ve been there.  you can just be there for each other without having to explain to someone who never understands.  Even if you’re suffering intrinsically, you can get through it together.  It’s all so much easier when you are around people who feel the same things and experience the same kind of things.

Maybe, I look at this completely wrong, but I know what is easier for me.  I know that when I’m with people like me, I don’t feel so alone.  Everything seems so much more bearable.

-Love, Dee

Posted in Emotions

Getting Your Hopes Up

“It was one of those times you feel a sense of loss, even though you didn’t have something in the first place. I guess that’s what disappointment is- a sense of loss for something you never had.”  ― Deb Caletti

I have a bad habit of getting my hopes up about everything, and then, my life is so much harder when it all falls apart.  I see all the bad things in my life, and I try so hard to see the good.  Most of the time the things I see as good are things that haven’t fully developed, like new opportunities and prospects.  This is probably the reason it’s so hard for me to be optimistic.

It is easy to imagine a bright wonderful future when you’re depressed and imagine having certain things in your life.  However, when you have the opportunity to have these things or even do get them, they’re not really what you imagined.  They don’t fix you or make you happy.  They’re probably not even what you imagined because nothing is really like the fairy-tales you imagine.  There are real problems and real issues.

That doesn’t stop you though.  You keep thinking about the future and how it will play out, and this is a mistake.  It blinds you from what is right in front of your face.  There is always that negative little voice in your head that tells you the truth and warns you, but you brush it aside time after time because if you address these concerns you are called negative and paranoid and maybe even crazy.

If the thing you are getting your hopes about is a person or a relationship, a quote from a TV show comes to mind.   In the show Bojack Horseman, Bojack and his girlfriend are breaking up, and to explain why things changed, he says, “Same thing that always happens. You didn’t know me and then you fell in love with me. And now you know me.”  I could really relate to this.

“Sometimes people don’t want to hear the truth because they don’t want their illusions destroyed.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

We see people the way we want to see them.  We see opportunities the way we want to see them.  We gloss over what is actually in front of us with what we want it to be.  We ignore the voice that we hear telling us the truth because we don’t want to hear it.  We allow ourselves to be happy and hopeful on false securities.  We’re happy about something we don’t have and never will because it probably doesn’t even exist outside of our imagination.

Then, whatever it is, gets taken away.  We feel empty and sad and disappointed.  We play a game of what if and try to figure out how we could have ended up with the opposite result.  We obsess and cry over the things that never got the chance to happen like they were ever really ours or in our path.  The worst part is how we blame ourselves.  We get upset because we should have known not to be happy until it was really ours.  We should have listened to that voice in our head that we ignored, but it was always right.  We have to leave with the pain of losing something we dreamed up even though it was never real.  We should know better than to get our hopes up.

-Love, Dee

Posted in Emotions

The Effects We Have

“You don’t know what goes on in anyone’s life but your own. And when you mess with one part of a person’s life, you’re not messing with just that part. Unfortunately, you can’t be that precise and selective. When you mess with one part of a person’s life, you’re messing with their entire life. Everything. . . affects everything.” ― Jay Asher

No one really thinks about the things they do and say.  We don’t realize, sometimes may not even care, how our actions affect other people.  The effect can be good or it can be bad, and there is no telling how big of an effect it may have on their lives.  I know we don’t intend to have this effect, but it’s better to realize that we do.

I really never thought about this concept until I read Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher.  The book is about a girl who commits suicide and leaves recordings explaining the reasons she did it and how the people played a part in it.  I mean this book is more about the bad consequences than the good, but it still shows how much something can make an impact.

Obviously, you may never find out about this impact.  I mean people don’t usually leave recordings telling how you hurt them or tell you to your face.  However, shouldn’t you still feel guilty for the things you say and do to hurt people?   You may forget the mean comment you made to someone years ago, but they still remember and probably think about it when they are feeling down.

“Be careful what you say. You can say something hurtful in ten seconds, but ten years later, the wounds are still there.” -Joel Osteen

I still remember many hurtful comments and actions people have done towards me.  They may have just been meant as a joke or lighthearted, but they don’t feel that way.  They still run through my head when I’m feeling down about myself and make me feel even worse.  I know we are all guilty of doing these things myself included.  I am trying to be more careful with the things I say and evaluate if it will be hurtful.

Although I keep focusing on the bad effects, there are also many good effects.  I mean when someone says something really nice to you or about you or compliments you, it affects you also, but in a very good way.  We remember all the things that touch us and make us feel good about ourselves too.  You remember when someone says something or does something that makes your day.

People say mean things and put each other down to feel better about themselves, but wouldn’t it be better if we all just said nice things and brought each other up?  We should think more about what we’re saying before we speak.  We should all consider how our words and actions will affect people.  We don’t know what all these people are going through or how they will handle negative comments.  We all just need to be more careful and thoughtful with our words.

-Love, Dee

Posted in Emotions


“I felt very still and empty, the way the eye of a tornado must feel, moving dully along in the middle of the surrounding hullabaloo.”  ― Sylvia Plath

I’m usually a very emotional person, but sometimes it flips off.  When this happens, I feel empty and numb.  Nothing really seems to matter it just is.  I can’t find joy in the things I care about.  I can’t get into a good book that only days ago I was entranced in.  I find it hard to write or even get up.  Even the people I care about and love, I know that I feel this way about them, but when I get this way I no longer really feel that emotion.

These feelings don’t stop me from continuing my day-to-day life.  I just pretend everything is normal.  I feel as if I’m on autopilot, just doing what I know to be normal in a robotic manner.  I go to class. I visit with friends and family.  I pretend everything is normal, and surprisingly, very few, if any, people see through it.  I’m not sure if that is a compliment to my acting skills or proof that they just don’t pay close attention.

Everything is happening around me, and it doesn’t feel real.  It’s almost like dreaming and you have no control of anything including what you are doing.  The things that happen don’t even seem to have a real effect.  I only cry because I know I’m expected to.  I only smile because I’m supposed to.  And so on.  Everything just feels draining, and when I’m alone and feeling like this, I can’t make myself do anything.  I just stare at the ceiling or the wall or some mindless television show.  I don’t feel real, and nothing around me feels real.

“Our life is full of empty space.”  -Umberto Eco

Then, slowly the feeling comes back.  It’s kind of like when your leg goes to sleep and you have to move it and feel the prickling pains to wake it back up.  I don’t know what the trigger is to bring it rushing back.  I think sometimes it’s just the right words from the right people who make you feel like everything does matter.

Even though all the emotions and feeling comes back, the emptiness always remains even though it may be less pronounced.  There is always the feeling that maybe the emptiness is something fundamentally wrong with me like I don’t have something everyone else does.  However, I know other people feel this way as well.

It seems like I’m always looking for something to fill this void in my life whether it be people, or activities, or hobbies.  Nothing really fits though.  I can force it all I want eventually it falls apart and the emptiness is back again.  I kind of stopped trying at some point and I just try to accept it.  I can’t fix myself with something else.  I don’t know if I ever will, but I just want to feel complete and whole.

-Love, Dee


Posted in Emotions

Unnecessary Guilt

“The worst guilt is to accept an unearned guilt.” -Ayn Rand

I say the words “I’m sorry” countless times a day about everything.  It has become a habit of mine.  A lot of people respond to this phrase by telling me it’s not my fault.  Rationally, I know that, but it doesn’t mean I don’t still feel bad.  I somehow feel guilty and responsible when something bad happens to the people I care about, especially when I’m involved in any way in the situation.  I always think that I could have done something to prevent it, or that it wouldn’t have happened in the first place if they hadn’t met me in some cases.

I worry that they’re going to feel like it’s my fault somehow, and I don’t want them to be mad at me.  I can reason out that it’s not my fault, but it’s a lot easier for people to blame someone else.  I also worry that the future consequences of the event may be my fault.  I harbor a lot of guilt for everything even if it isn’t my fault because in some way I think it could have been different if I wasn’t around.

My guilt starts with my parents’ divorce when I was about 6.  I know everyone says that it’s not the child’s fault in these situations, but maybe it was my fault.  I told my father that my mother was really close to one of her male coworkers.  They fought about it because my father was the jealous type.  Less than a week later, my mom and I moved out.  I can’t help, but blame myself.  Maybe their relationship could have lasted if I hadn’t said some stupid comment.  I can’t take it back, and it bothers me.

I also feel guilty about my mother’s life.  I feel like me being born ruined it.  She blames me for it and the problems she has.  Every time we fight she throws it in my face.  I was the reason she had to stay in a crappy little town because she couldn’t move me.  I was the reason she had a crappy job because that’s the only one she could keep and take care of a child at the same time.  This also caused her to have a college degree that she couldn’t put to use.  I was the reason she was alone because it’s hard for single mothers to date.  Everything was my fault even though I never asked to be born.

I try so hard not to cause people pain or inconvenience, but I’m not perfect, and I know I do.  I’m so worried that maybe it’s my fault that I find ways to make it my fault.  Maybe that’s selfish in a way to turn things into my blame when they aren’t, but it’s easier for me to blame myself because I don’t want the blame to fall on someone else.  I don’t want someone else to feel guilty for it because I already do anyway.  I know I can’t control situations, but I always go to the what ifs.  What if I could have done something? What if it would have been different if they didn’t know me or I didn’t exist? The list goes on and on.

“No matter how frustrated, disappointed and discouraged we may feel in the face of our failures, it’s only temporary. And the faster you can stop wallowing in guilt, blame or resentment, the faster you can put it behind you.” -Fabrizio Moreira

The problem is when I blame myself, the people around me end up feeling bad for me or annoyed that I think it’s my fault, and I don’t want that either.  There really is no good answer in these situations because everyone just ends up feeling bad. I know I have to let all the guilt go and realize it isn’t really my fault or it will continue to consume me.  I just feel like if I don’t accept the guilt, then it might cause the people I care about pain.  None of it really makes sense if you think about it in a logical way, but my brain works on emotion not logic.

-Love, Dee