“Unworthiness is the inmost frightening thought that you do not belong, no matter how much you want to belong, that you are an outsider and will always be an outsider. It is the idea that you are flawed and cannot be fixed. It is wanting to be loved and feeling unlovable, or wanting to love and feeling that you are not capable of loving.” -Gary Zuka
I find that I keep asking myself the same questions over and over. Why don’t I deserve love? Am I unlovable? Is there something fundamentally wrong with me that I am blind too? Every time I have voiced these concerns they always return the same reply. “You do deserve love, everyone does.”,”You’re very lovable.”, and “There’s nothing wrong with you.” I don’t really know what to say next when I get these responses because I don’t see them as quite accurate. If everyone deserves love, then why doesn’t everyone get it? If I’m so lovable, why can’t you love me? If there is nothing with me, then what drove you away?
I try not to, but honestly I get bitter when I see happy couples. I mean is there some hierarchy as to who deserves love more than someone else? I see these horrible people who are self-centered and think they’re better than everyone else and treat everyone around them like shit have these wonderful loving relationships with all the cute couple things like sending flowers and dressing up for fancy dates. How is this person more deserving of love than me?
I’m not saying I’m some wonderful person. I see all my flaws probably better than anyone else. However, I try my best to be nice to all the people around me and do everything I can for them, but I still get walked all over for it while someone who is rude and mean to other is rewarded for it.
Maybe I’ve just watched too many fairy tales and Rom-coms in my life. I guess maybe I focus on the wrong parts of a relationship, but it really bothers me that no one has ever bought me flowers, or been there for Valentine’s Day, or my birthday, or been to a family function even when I was in relationships(not that all of them coincided with those dates).
I always wanted love to be like those cheesy 80s movies with some grand proclamation. The classics being standing outside of your window with a boom box (“Say Anything”), or Jake Ryan leaning against his car across the street (“Sixteen Candles”), or showing up on a lawnmower (“Can’t Buy My Love”). I know how unrealistic that is. I mean I’m not the kind of girl someone would do that for to begin with. I’m not what people usually consider pretty, I’m chubby, I’m overly emotional, and I have psychiatric issues.
I never expect some grand gesture that’s not really the point. I don’t think my standards are too high. I don’t really think even my bad qualities should make me undeserving of love, but it seems that they do. I just want someone to care enough and love me enough to do those things. I mean like the stupid stereotypical couple things that everyone pretends to hate but that they actually love.
My happiness doesn’t depend on having another person around, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting it. It doesn’t stop from wanting to be loved. It doesn’t stop me from getting upset every time I see happy couples in love in real life or in movies. It doesn’t stop from asking, “Why not me?”
Every time I ask that, I go through a mental list of my flaws. I try to find why people don’t want me, and why I drive them away. I know my emotional issues have driven people away, and it makes me so angry at myself because I can’t help it. I also can’t help feeling bad about myself or feeling unlovable.
“Eventually you love people – friends or lovers – because of their flaws.”
However, that’s not the way love is supposed to work. If you love someone, you love them for who they are, and who they are is the flaws and all. And if the love isn’t more than skin deep, it isn’t really love anyway. It’s still hard because no one has been capable of loving me in a romantic sense, and there’s always the nagging voice in the back of my head that says no one ever will. Even if it’s not my fault, it’s still hard to stop blaming myself because there isn’t anyone else to blame.