Posted in Mental Illness

Looking In from Outside

“We must learn to regard people less in the light of what they do or omit to do, and more in the light of what they suffer.” ― Dietrich Bonhoeffer

I realize that it is hard for people to understand the issues of others. However, I believe they need to try to be more understanding. I get very tired of people acting like my issues aren’t real or that they aren’t really that bad or just blaming me for them.

If I could just solve them, I would have done it a long time ago. People tell me just to be happy, but depression doesn’t work like that. I try so hard to see the positive in things, but sometimes I just can’t. People make me feel guilty for feeling the way I do even though I don’t want to feel this way either.

I understand that I’m hard to deal with, but if a person chooses to stay around, they have to accept that I have these problems and that I’m not always the most stable person.  I can’t be blamed for their inability to deal with me at my lows, and neither can they.  People like to say my age causes my issues because I’m immature or too young, but mental illness doesn’t have an age limit.

I’ve also been told I’m too dependent on people as friends. I don’t mean to be. I can be independent and deal with my anxiety attacks on my own, but it is so much harder. I can’t reason through it in the moment because I’m so overwhelmed. I can get through it by myself but it takes longer and is more difficult, so often times I reach out to people who can help. However, then these people seem to be annoyed with me when they’re the person who said they would be there and help. It just makes me feel like a burden on my friends.

I know that they’re trying to help deep down, but the suggestions don’t help. I have been told to go places and be around people when I feel like this, but I’ve tried. It doesn’t stop the breakdown. It just makes me look like a pathetic person when I’m bawling my eyes out in a restaurant or on a bus. It hurts me more seeing the way people stare and laugh and look at you if they notice that you are crying in public.

It makes me feel worse when people tell me to do these things that don’t work for me. It’s not a simple fix. It’s not going to just go away with a snap of my fingers. I mean I’m making progress at least, but they don’t see that. I feel like they’re blaming me for my issues, and that is not fair.  I don’t want to be like this.  I also feel worse about myself because it makes me feel like I should just be able to fix it, but I can’t which makes me feel like a failure.  I can’t even control my own thoughts.  I know they are not purposely trying to make me feel like this, but that doesn’t change the effect.

“The heart of another is a dark forest, always, no matter how close it has been to one’s own.”  ― Willa Cather

This isn’t meant to attack or hurt anyone. I love my friends, and I know they are just trying to help most of the time. I just feel that people need to be more careful in general when making comments about these issues. I realize they have issues of their own and that they are important, and I’m not trying to say mine are more important in any way or make them feel obligated to help. I just wish they’d be a little more sensitive and careful with these topics. I’m trying my best. I know they don’t necessarily feel the same way I do about things or have to go through the issues I do. I am very glad they don’t really get it because I wouldn’t wish mental illness on anyone, but I don’t feel that they should assume these issues have an easy solution.

-Love, Dee