“I felt very still and empty, the way the eye of a tornado must feel, moving dully along in the middle of the surrounding hullabaloo.” ―
I’m usually a very emotional person, but sometimes it flips off. When this happens, I feel empty and numb. Nothing really seems to matter it just is. I can’t find joy in the things I care about. I can’t get into a good book that only days ago I was entranced in. I find it hard to write or even get up. Even the people I care about and love, I know that I feel this way about them, but when I get this way I no longer really feel that emotion.
These feelings don’t stop me from continuing my day-to-day life. I just pretend everything is normal. I feel as if I’m on autopilot, just doing what I know to be normal in a robotic manner. I go to class. I visit with friends and family. I pretend everything is normal, and surprisingly, very few, if any, people see through it. I’m not sure if that is a compliment to my acting skills or proof that they just don’t pay close attention.
Everything is happening around me, and it doesn’t feel real. It’s almost like dreaming and you have no control of anything including what you are doing. The things that happen don’t even seem to have a real effect. I only cry because I know I’m expected to. I only smile because I’m supposed to. And so on. Everything just feels draining, and when I’m alone and feeling like this, I can’t make myself do anything. I just stare at the ceiling or the wall or some mindless television show. I don’t feel real, and nothing around me feels real.
“Our life is full of empty space.” -Umberto Eco
Then, slowly the feeling comes back. It’s kind of like when your leg goes to sleep and you have to move it and feel the prickling pains to wake it back up. I don’t know what the trigger is to bring it rushing back. I think sometimes it’s just the right words from the right people who make you feel like everything does matter.
Even though all the emotions and feeling comes back, the emptiness always remains even though it may be less pronounced. There is always the feeling that maybe the emptiness is something fundamentally wrong with me like I don’t have something everyone else does. However, I know other people feel this way as well.
It seems like I’m always looking for something to fill this void in my life whether it be people, or activities, or hobbies. Nothing really fits though. I can force it all I want eventually it falls apart and the emptiness is back again. I kind of stopped trying at some point and I just try to accept it. I can’t fix myself with something else. I don’t know if I ever will, but I just want to feel complete and whole.