Tag: depression

Posted in Emotions

Broken Attracts Broken

Posted on by flamingirl6

“Sometimes the most beautiful people are beautifully broken.” ― Robert M Drake

A lot of people consider themselves to be broken.  It may be because of a traumatic past or a mental illness or because they just feel like they mess everything up.  Some people hide this the best they can and try to fill their live and be whole.  They lock it up where no one can see and shut off their emotions.  Other people embrace being broken. It’s just part of who they are, and it may be easy to see.

I feel that at least in my experience, broken attracts broken.   This seems to happen for me even when I can’t tell in the beginning if they are broken.  I’m not really sure why this happens.  Maybe we think we can fix each other or that two broken people can make one whole person.  Maybe we just see it as the only option.

If I am around or with someone who I perceive to be whole and unbroken, I don’t feel that I can truly be myself.  I build up a wall and pretend that I am completely together.  I don’t want to bother them, and I don’t want their pity.  The problem is I can’t keep up that act forever.  Eventually, the wall crumbles and they see at least a part of who I really am, and I am a mess.  They don’t like the real person and they leave, or they feel bad for you and they stay, but neither way feels good to you.  You can’t be who they want you to, but you feel pressured to try and to pretendto be.   They never fully understand why you are that way and they can never fully accept it even though they say they do.

“I like that you’re broken
Broken like me
Maybe that makes me a fool
I like that you’re lonely
Lonely like me
I could be lonely with you” -from the song Broken by lovelytheband

I guess subconsciously I choose broken people to protect myself from all that.  I’m more able to be my self around these people. I can be vulnerable.  I don’t have to pretend I’m fine.  I don’t have to hide truths about myself.  I feel more accepted.  I know this isn’t always the case of it being a good thing.  I mean sometimes with all our issues we can hurt each other and inflict pain unintentionally, but somehow, at least for me, it’s still easier.

With other broken people, you don’t feel like you’re a problem that needs to be fixed or have to feel bad about yourself.  You just are.  They’re the same as you, and they’ve been there.  you can just be there for each other without having to explain to someone who never understands.  Even if you’re suffering intrinsically, you can get through it together.  It’s all so much easier when you are around people who feel the same things and experience the same kind of things.

Maybe, I look at this completely wrong, but I know what is easier for me.  I know that when I’m with people like me, I don’t feel so alone.  Everything seems so much more bearable.

-Love, Dee

Posted in Emotions

Getting Your Hopes Up

Posted on by flamingirl6

“It was one of those times you feel a sense of loss, even though you didn’t have something in the first place. I guess that’s what disappointment is- a sense of loss for something you never had.”  ― Deb Caletti

I have a bad habit of getting my hopes up about everything, and then, my life is so much harder when it all falls apart.  I see all the bad things in my life, and I try so hard to see the good.  Most of the time the things I see as good are things that haven’t fully developed, like new opportunities and prospects.  This is probably the reason it’s so hard for me to be optimistic.

It is easy to imagine a bright wonderful future when you’re depressed and imagine having certain things in your life.  However, when you have the opportunity to have these things or even do get them, they’re not really what you imagined.  They don’t fix you or make you happy.  They’re probably not even what you imagined because nothing is really like the fairy-tales you imagine.  There are real problems and real issues.

That doesn’t stop you though.  You keep thinking about the future and how it will play out, and this is a mistake.  It blinds you from what is right in front of your face.  There is always that negative little voice in your head that tells you the truth and warns you, but you brush it aside time after time because if you address these concerns you are called negative and paranoid and maybe even crazy.

If the thing you are getting your hopes about is a person or a relationship, a quote from a TV show comes to mind.   In the show Bojack Horseman, Bojack and his girlfriend are breaking up, and to explain why things changed, he says, “Same thing that always happens. You didn’t know me and then you fell in love with me. And now you know me.”  I could really relate to this.

“Sometimes people don’t want to hear the truth because they don’t want their illusions destroyed.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

We see people the way we want to see them.  We see opportunities the way we want to see them.  We gloss over what is actually in front of us with what we want it to be.  We ignore the voice that we hear telling us the truth because we don’t want to hear it.  We allow ourselves to be happy and hopeful on false securities.  We’re happy about something we don’t have and never will because it probably doesn’t even exist outside of our imagination.

Then, whatever it is, gets taken away.  We feel empty and sad and disappointed.  We play a game of what if and try to figure out how we could have ended up with the opposite result.  We obsess and cry over the things that never got the chance to happen like they were ever really ours or in our path.  The worst part is how we blame ourselves.  We get upset because we should have known not to be happy until it was really ours.  We should have listened to that voice in our head that we ignored, but it was always right.  We have to leave with the pain of losing something we dreamed up even though it was never real.  We should know better than to get our hopes up.

-Love, Dee

Posted in Emotions

Empty

Posted on by flamingirl6

“I felt very still and empty, the way the eye of a tornado must feel, moving dully along in the middle of the surrounding hullabaloo.”  ― Sylvia Plath

I’m usually a very emotional person, but sometimes it flips off.  When this happens, I feel empty and numb.  Nothing really seems to matter it just is.  I can’t find joy in the things I care about.  I can’t get into a good book that only days ago I was entranced in.  I find it hard to write or even get up.  Even the people I care about and love, I know that I feel this way about them, but when I get this way I no longer really feel that emotion.

These feelings don’t stop me from continuing my day-to-day life.  I just pretend everything is normal.  I feel as if I’m on autopilot, just doing what I know to be normal in a robotic manner.  I go to class. I visit with friends and family.  I pretend everything is normal, and surprisingly, very few, if any, people see through it.  I’m not sure if that is a compliment to my acting skills or proof that they just don’t pay close attention.

Everything is happening around me, and it doesn’t feel real.  It’s almost like dreaming and you have no control of anything including what you are doing.  The things that happen don’t even seem to have a real effect.  I only cry because I know I’m expected to.  I only smile because I’m supposed to.  And so on.  Everything just feels draining, and when I’m alone and feeling like this, I can’t make myself do anything.  I just stare at the ceiling or the wall or some mindless television show.  I don’t feel real, and nothing around me feels real.

“Our life is full of empty space.”  -Umberto Eco

Then, slowly the feeling comes back.  It’s kind of like when your leg goes to sleep and you have to move it and feel the prickling pains to wake it back up.  I don’t know what the trigger is to bring it rushing back.  I think sometimes it’s just the right words from the right people who make you feel like everything does matter.

Even though all the emotions and feeling comes back, the emptiness always remains even though it may be less pronounced.  There is always the feeling that maybe the emptiness is something fundamentally wrong with me like I don’t have something everyone else does.  However, I know other people feel this way as well.

It seems like I’m always looking for something to fill this void in my life whether it be people, or activities, or hobbies.  Nothing really fits though.  I can force it all I want eventually it falls apart and the emptiness is back again.  I kind of stopped trying at some point and I just try to accept it.  I can’t fix myself with something else.  I don’t know if I ever will, but I just want to feel complete and whole.

-Love, Dee

 

Posted in Mental Illness

Looking In from Outside

Posted on by flamingirl6

“We must learn to regard people less in the light of what they do or omit to do, and more in the light of what they suffer.” ― Dietrich Bonhoeffer

I realize that it is hard for people to understand the issues of others. However, I believe they need to try to be more understanding. I get very tired of people acting like my issues aren’t real or that they aren’t really that bad or just blaming me for them.

If I could just solve them, I would have done it a long time ago. People tell me just to be happy, but depression doesn’t work like that. I try so hard to see the positive in things, but sometimes I just can’t. People make me feel guilty for feeling the way I do even though I don’t want to feel this way either.

I understand that I’m hard to deal with, but if a person chooses to stay around, they have to accept that I have these problems and that I’m not always the most stable person.  I can’t be blamed for their inability to deal with me at my lows, and neither can they.  People like to say my age causes my issues because I’m immature or too young, but mental illness doesn’t have an age limit.

I’ve also been told I’m too dependent on people as friends. I don’t mean to be. I can be independent and deal with my anxiety attacks on my own, but it is so much harder. I can’t reason through it in the moment because I’m so overwhelmed. I can get through it by myself but it takes longer and is more difficult, so often times I reach out to people who can help. However, then these people seem to be annoyed with me when they’re the person who said they would be there and help. It just makes me feel like a burden on my friends.

I know that they’re trying to help deep down, but the suggestions don’t help. I have been told to go places and be around people when I feel like this, but I’ve tried. It doesn’t stop the breakdown. It just makes me look like a pathetic person when I’m bawling my eyes out in a restaurant or on a bus. It hurts me more seeing the way people stare and laugh and look at you if they notice that you are crying in public.

It makes me feel worse when people tell me to do these things that don’t work for me. It’s not a simple fix. It’s not going to just go away with a snap of my fingers. I mean I’m making progress at least, but they don’t see that. I feel like they’re blaming me for my issues, and that is not fair.  I don’t want to be like this.  I also feel worse about myself because it makes me feel like I should just be able to fix it, but I can’t which makes me feel like a failure.  I can’t even control my own thoughts.  I know they are not purposely trying to make me feel like this, but that doesn’t change the effect.

“The heart of another is a dark forest, always, no matter how close it has been to one’s own.”  ― Willa Cather

This isn’t meant to attack or hurt anyone. I love my friends, and I know they are just trying to help most of the time. I just feel that people need to be more careful in general when making comments about these issues. I realize they have issues of their own and that they are important, and I’m not trying to say mine are more important in any way or make them feel obligated to help. I just wish they’d be a little more sensitive and careful with these topics. I’m trying my best. I know they don’t necessarily feel the same way I do about things or have to go through the issues I do. I am very glad they don’t really get it because I wouldn’t wish mental illness on anyone, but I don’t feel that they should assume these issues have an easy solution.

-Love, Dee

Posted in Emotions

Unnecessary Guilt

Posted on by flamingirl6

“The worst guilt is to accept an unearned guilt.” -Ayn Rand

I say the words “I’m sorry” countless times a day about everything.  It has become a habit of mine.  A lot of people respond to this phrase by telling me it’s not my fault.  Rationally, I know that, but it doesn’t mean I don’t still feel bad.  I somehow feel guilty and responsible when something bad happens to the people I care about, especially when I’m involved in any way in the situation.  I always think that I could have done something to prevent it, or that it wouldn’t have happened in the first place if they hadn’t met me in some cases.

I worry that they’re going to feel like it’s my fault somehow, and I don’t want them to be mad at me.  I can reason out that it’s not my fault, but it’s a lot easier for people to blame someone else.  I also worry that the future consequences of the event may be my fault.  I harbor a lot of guilt for everything even if it isn’t my fault because in some way I think it could have been different if I wasn’t around.

My guilt starts with my parents’ divorce when I was about 6.  I know everyone says that it’s not the child’s fault in these situations, but maybe it was my fault.  I told my father that my mother was really close to one of her male coworkers.  They fought about it because my father was the jealous type.  Less than a week later, my mom and I moved out.  I can’t help, but blame myself.  Maybe their relationship could have lasted if I hadn’t said some stupid comment.  I can’t take it back, and it bothers me.

I also feel guilty about my mother’s life.  I feel like me being born ruined it.  She blames me for it and the problems she has.  Every time we fight she throws it in my face.  I was the reason she had to stay in a crappy little town because she couldn’t move me.  I was the reason she had a crappy job because that’s the only one she could keep and take care of a child at the same time.  This also caused her to have a college degree that she couldn’t put to use.  I was the reason she was alone because it’s hard for single mothers to date.  Everything was my fault even though I never asked to be born.

I try so hard not to cause people pain or inconvenience, but I’m not perfect, and I know I do.  I’m so worried that maybe it’s my fault that I find ways to make it my fault.  Maybe that’s selfish in a way to turn things into my blame when they aren’t, but it’s easier for me to blame myself because I don’t want the blame to fall on someone else.  I don’t want someone else to feel guilty for it because I already do anyway.  I know I can’t control situations, but I always go to the what ifs.  What if I could have done something? What if it would have been different if they didn’t know me or I didn’t exist? The list goes on and on.

“No matter how frustrated, disappointed and discouraged we may feel in the face of our failures, it’s only temporary. And the faster you can stop wallowing in guilt, blame or resentment, the faster you can put it behind you.” -Fabrizio Moreira

The problem is when I blame myself, the people around me end up feeling bad for me or annoyed that I think it’s my fault, and I don’t want that either.  There really is no good answer in these situations because everyone just ends up feeling bad. I know I have to let all the guilt go and realize it isn’t really my fault or it will continue to consume me.  I just feel like if I don’t accept the guilt, then it might cause the people I care about pain.  None of it really makes sense if you think about it in a logical way, but my brain works on emotion not logic.

-Love, Dee

 

 

 

Posted in Mental Illness

My Spiral of Anxiety

Posted on by flamingirl6

“The thing about a spiral is, if you follow it inward, it never actually ends. It just keeps tightening, infinitely.” -John Green

Although I’ve always been an anxious person, I was only diagnosed with anxiety disorder and depression less than a year ago. Throughout high school, I was severely depressed with the more than occasional suicidal thought. I was also very stressed as I was either taking enough college classes to be considered a full time student or Honors and AP classes all throughout high school. I didn’t really have a social life or time to join clubs or sports (although I was to uncoordinated for them). I felt alienated and like an outsider even though I did have a couple of what I believed to be friends my senior year.

One of these “friends” attended the same university I did after graduation and became my freshman roommate. I thought this would be a good idea because at least I’d be living with somebody I knew, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. Everything started off seemingly fine. We had lost touch over the summer so we were a little distant. However, the problem began when she started hanging out with what I would call the wrong crowd. I had no personal grudges against these people, but the went out partying and drinking every night, rarely attended classes, and never studied. She fell into these same habits. She would come in at 2 AM, invite strange people into the room, skip most of her classes, and not do her homework. Although I was annoyed, I kept it to myself because at one time she had been my best friend.

The issue started when her parents started to find out how badly she was doing in her classes. She begged me to help her with her homework which I did for a time. However, when it got to the point where I refused to help, she blamed me for her grades. She was mad at me for getting up to attend my own classes and disturbing her while she skipped her own. She blamed me for these strange people being around and messing with her things even though she was the one inviting them in, and I never wanted them there in the first place. She spread nasty rumors about me in our hometown and to her parents saying I was doing all the things that she was actually doing. No one should have believed this of course if they knew me at all.

One day, I came back to our room, and she was packing her stuff to move to another dorm. It felt like a slap in the face. We had so much history, and she was supposed to be my best friend. I thought she was different, but she was the same as those other girls in high school. In fact, she was worse.

Instead of just leaving, she destroyed my property and put substances into my makeup that could have caused me harm. I was scared in my own living space believing anything could have been tampered with. I was paranoid beyond belief. Every faint sound woke me up. I reported this incident for my own safety, but that still wasn’t the end of it. When word of the report reached her, my former roommate, who new my schedule, stalked me to threaten me, and when I tried to leave, she chased me. Of course at this point, I was terrified and police became involved. She was arrested. I was proud of myself for standing up for my self and my own safety, but it still bothered me. I couldn’t figure out what I had done wrong or why she’d put me through this. Her mom also had to get involved and throw a fit because somehow I was in the wrong even though her daughter had threatened my safety, I “handled it the wrong way.” People in my hometown still give me dirty looks and are rude to me because somehow its my fault even though I was the victim.

“It is very hard to explain to people who have never known serious depression or anxiety the sheer continuous intensity of it. There is no off switch.” -Matt Haig

This is when my anxiety started getting really bad to the point it was almost unmanageable. I felt so alone and like no one could be trusted. I over analyzed every detail of my life to make sure it wasn’t leading to another occurrence like this. I felt alienated and alone and like I couldn’t handle everything at one. Even though mental illness ran in my family, the people around me didn’t really understand what was going on. I didn’t even really know what was going on. The closest thing I have ever found to describe my thoughts was Turtles All the Way Down by John Green.

“You lie there, not even thinking really, except to try to consider how to describe the hurt, as if finding the language for it might bring it up out of you. If you can make something real, if you can see it and smell it and touch it, then you can kill it. You think, it’s like a brain fire. Like a rodent gnawing at you from the inside. A knife in your gut. A spiral. Whirlpool. Black hole. The words used to describe it — despair, fear, anxiety, obsession — do so little to communicate it. Maybe we invented metaphor as a response to pain. Maybe we needed to give shape to the opaque, deep-down pain that evades both sense and senses.” -John Green

It starts over some small insignificant event and spirals into the worst possible outcome. For example, I forgot to bring a pencil to class. I would panic and be worried about not taking notes. Then the no notes would turn into failing the exam, and that would turn into failing the class which would turn into flunking out of college. Flunking out of college would turn into not being able to hold a job which would cause me not to be able to maintain a stable relationship. Then, it all would end with me dying alone with a bunch of cats. It seems illogical to think not having a pencil would lead to that demise. I did exaggerate and fabricate this example, but the point I’m making is one little event brings up every problem and bad thought about myself I have. It causes me to completely lose control of my thoughts and reasoning and leads me into a blind panic. Every thought goes deeper into my mind and my fears.

“It’s getting sucked into a whirlpool that shrinks and shrinks and shrinks your world until you’re just spinning without moving, stuck inside a prison cell that is exactly the size of you, until eventually you realize that you’re not actually in the prison cell. You are the prison cell.” -John Green

When I have these anxiety attacks, I feel trapped in my own mind. I get claustrophobic even though I’m in an open space. My chest starts to feel heavy and tighten up. It gets very difficult to breath, and many times, I start to cry uncontrollably. I feel like I can’t move. Sometimes it’s not full blown its just one symptom, but sometimes it is all of them at once. I can’t stop my mind from doing this, and I can’t reason through it until I’m already calmed down.

This anxiety triggers the depression. It makes me feel bad about myself and broken. The anxiety pulls up all the events of my past for my depression to dwell on as if they were fresh wounds. It’s like a never ending cycle. It just keeps going, and it never feels like it is going to stop. Then finally it heals, and I am okay again. Sometimes it lasts for a long time, but as soon as I think it’s finally over another event pushes me back into the worrying and into the spiral.

I have tried to get help. Last time it didn’t work. I’m in the process of trying again. I’m not sure if it will ever stop completely, but I hope it will dull with time as I learn to live with it and work to prevent it.

Love, Dee