Tag: Caring

Posted in Love

Deserving

Posted on by flamingirl6
“Unworthiness is the inmost frightening thought that you do not belong, no matter how much you want to belong, that you are an outsider and will always be an outsider. It is the idea that you are flawed and cannot be fixed. It is wanting to be loved and feeling unlovable, or wanting to love and feeling that you are not capable of loving.” -Gary Zuka
     I find that I keep asking myself the same questions over and over.  Why don’t I deserve love?  Am I unlovable? Is there something fundamentally wrong with me that I am blind too?  Every time I have voiced these concerns they always return the same reply. “You do deserve love, everyone does.”,”You’re very lovable.”, and “There’s nothing wrong with you.”  I don’t really know what to say next when I get these responses because I don’t see them as quite accurate.  If everyone deserves love, then why doesn’t everyone get it?  If I’m so lovable, why can’t you love me?  If there is nothing with me, then what drove you away?
     I try not to, but honestly I get bitter when I see happy couples.  I mean is there some hierarchy as to who deserves love more than someone else?  I see these horrible people who are self-centered and think they’re better than everyone else and treat everyone around them like shit have these wonderful loving relationships with all the cute couple things like sending flowers and dressing up for fancy dates.  How is this person more deserving of love than me?
     I’m not saying I’m some wonderful person.  I see all my flaws probably better than anyone else. However, I try my best to be nice to all the people around me and do everything I can for them, but I still get walked all over for it while someone who is rude and mean to other is rewarded for it.
     Maybe I’ve just watched too many fairy tales and Rom-coms in my life.  I guess maybe I focus on the wrong parts of a relationship, but it really bothers me that no one has ever bought me flowers, or been there for Valentine’s Day, or my birthday, or been to a family function even when I was in relationships(not that all of them coincided with those dates).
     I always wanted love to be like those cheesy 80s movies with some grand proclamation.  The classics being standing outside of your window with a boom box (“Say Anything”), or Jake Ryan leaning against his car across the street (“Sixteen Candles”), or showing up on a lawnmower (“Can’t Buy My Love”).  I know how unrealistic that is.  I mean I’m not the kind of girl someone would do that for to begin with.  I’m not what people usually consider pretty, I’m chubby, I’m overly emotional, and I have psychiatric issues.
     I never expect some grand gesture that’s not really the point.  I don’t think my standards are too high. I don’t really think even my bad qualities should make me undeserving of love, but it seems that they do.  I just want someone to care enough and love me enough to do those things.  I mean like the stupid stereotypical couple things that everyone pretends to hate but that they actually love.
      My happiness doesn’t depend on having another person around, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting it.  It doesn’t stop from wanting to be loved.  It doesn’t stop me from getting upset every time I see happy couples in love in real life or in movies.  It doesn’t stop from asking, “Why not me?”
     Every time I ask that, I go through a mental list of my flaws.  I try to find why people don’t want me, and why I drive them away.  I know my emotional issues have driven people away, and it makes me so angry at myself because I can’t help it.  I also can’t help feeling bad about myself or feeling unlovable.

“Eventually you love people – friends or lovers – because of their flaws.” — Karen Allen

However, that’s not the way love is supposed to work.  If you love someone, you love them for who they are, and who they are is the flaws and all.  And if the love isn’t more than skin deep, it isn’t really love anyway.  It’s still hard because no one has been capable of loving me in a romantic sense, and there’s always the nagging voice in the back of my head that says no one ever will.  Even if it’s not my fault, it’s still hard to stop blaming myself because there isn’t anyone else to blame.

-Love, Dee

Posted in Friendship

The Branches of Friendship

Posted on by flamingirl6

“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” ― Jane Austen

I don’t mean to sound like I’m complaining with all the bad.  There is a lot of good in my life it is just hard for me to focus on it.  I do have a lot of great people I call friends in my life that offer me a great support net in all my endeavors.  I love every single one of them, but I find that our relationships vary drastically as well as the parts of my life I discuss with them.  When I think about it, I have six extremely close friends.

Two of these friendships are with people I’ve known for years and started in high school even if they became stronger after it was over.  Although I am ashamed to admit it, both of these people I have also turned my back on at times.  At the time, I somehow reasoned it would be better for both of us, but eventually realized I needed them.  Yet, even though I disappeared on them, they both welcomed me back into their lives.  I don’t talk to either of them everyday but they’re always there when I need them.  The first of those friends has supported me through a lot of major meltdowns and seen my all time lows, and I have in turn seen his.  If he hadn’t been around, I don’t know that I’d be here today.  The second of those friends is like my conscience.  He tells me the brutal truth even when I don’t want to hear it and even when it hurts because most of the time he’s already experienced the same thing.  These two know my history better than anybody else even if they don’t know the more minor details of my present or ever really see me in person.

The other four friends are more recent since I’ve been in college, and I see them usually at least once a week if not more.   They are the ones I go on adventures with and laugh with and escape my troubles with.  They make my life better just by being in it.

One of them I bicker with constantly, but we still care about each other all the same.   We complain to each other and can relate to each others issues.  The second friend is a newer friend, but that doesn’t really make that big of a difference.  I can text him for hours having deep really thoughtful conversations that are usually a bit on the morbid side.

The third of these friends is the one I consider to be my best friend even though sometimes we are polar opposites.  She’s the optimist and I’m the pessimist.  She was the cheerleader, and I was the nerd.  She’s the person who has a high self-confidence where I have no self confidence.  She’s so bubbly and friendly where I am quiet and antisocial.  We share a lot of interest which is part of the reason it works, but we also can act extremely goofy around each other.  I’m a different person around her.  I’m happier, and I don’t think about the bad stuff so much there isn’t really time.  We jump from one thing to the next so quickly.  She gives me a completely different outlook on life.

The fourth of these friends is a little different from the rest.  He has seen a lot of the different sides of me.  He’s seen me really energetic and happy, he’s heard all the details of my past, we can joke and laugh about everything, but the biggest factor is he’s been there for my complete meltdowns when I have an anxiety attack both in person and on the phone, and he just talks me through it always staying calm.

I mean there have been rough times with all of them, but friendship means sticking together through it and forgiving.  It means not abandoning them when they need you.  Sometimes it’s hard and painful, but in the long run, it is worth it.

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”  ― Bob Marley

Friendship is one of the biggest joys in my life.  It makes me feel like I am a part of something, and that maybe I’m not so alone in the world after all.  They help me carry on when I just want to give up.  I love my friends for everything they do and everything that they are.

-Love, Dee

Posted in Flamingos

About the Flamingos

Posted on by flamingirl6

“Be a Flamingo in a flock of Pigeons” -Savannah Larsen

I thought it would only be appropriate to explain my obsession with flamingos.  Flamingos are my favorite animal, but it is more than that.  I relate to what flamingos stand for.

I’ve never felt like I quite fit in no matter where I am.  I’m kind of socially awkward, and I think differently.   I spent all of my years in high school trying to change to fit the cultural norm.   I starved myself trying to lose weight to be thin because that was what I was told I should be.  It didn’t matter that it wasn’t really possible for my body type.  I never had the popular brands in clothes and gadgets because it was too expensive, and yet somehow, that gave my peers a reason to think of me as less and treat me like a second class citizen.

I wasn’t the kind of girl who wanted to sit around and talk about makeup, celebrities, and boys.  I was worried about the latest novel or comic, or superhero movie.  This never went well in social groups.  If I showed excitement for these so-called “nerdy” topics, I was laughed at or received an eye roll. The only thing about me they didn’t mind was my intelligence because I would always help them with homework, but as soon as I was no longer useful, I was no longer included.

The way I was treated made me feel ashamed to be myself.  I did everything I could to fit in.  I saved my money and bought the cool brands, I lost as much weight as I could and barely ate, I learned to keep my mouth shut about my interests and pretend to be interested in their conversation topics, and I helped them study and do homework.  I didn’t like myself much like that either because that’s not who I was.

Even after I molded myself into who they thought I should be, I wasn’t a part of their group.  I was still an outcast.  They never cared about me.  They only cared about what I could do for them.  As soon as they didn’t need homework help, they disappeared from my life only to reappear when they needed the help again.

I spent a long time realizing the truth and even longer time going back to who I really was.  I had to learn that it didn’t matter what people thought and to get rid of the stigma that I should be ashamed of who I am.

“A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.”  – Charley Harper

I am getting to the flamingo part, and it does relate to that story.  This experience drove me to love flamingos.  When I used to think of Flamingos, I would picture the plastic lawn flamingos which most people think of as cheap or trashy, but that is so one-sided.  There is so much more to them.  They are living, breathing, proud, and beautiful creatures.

Flamingos are so majestically awkward.  They stand on one leg, and even though it looks impossible, they fly.  Flamingos couldn’t hide in a crowd (not that they would want to).  The bright pink color makes them impossible to miss.  They are social creatures and live in flocks like a family.  Most importantly, flamingos keep their heads held high.  Even though they are different from all the other animals, they are proud never ashamed.

I love flamingos because they stand for all I aspire to be.  I want to live beyond what others see me as.  I want to have that much confidence and not second guess everything I do.  I want to be unapologetic for who I am and to be proud of it.  I want to no longer feel the need to fit in to how others want me to be.  I just want to be the person I already am, beautiful in my own way.

                                                                                                                -Love, Dee

 

Posted in Love

Love As I See It

Posted on by flamingirl6

“Spoiler alert: Love is worth everything. Everything.” -Nicola Yoon

    Through the years my perception of love has changed.  When I was young, I used to believe in love the way you believe in fairy tales.  I believed it was some perfect magical thing that was easy and uncomplicated, but as I learned, that’s not even close to true.  Love hurts a lot.
     I find that I love very easily and freely which leads to a lot of heartbreak.  I also don’t distinguish love into categories of romantic or friendship.  I just love.  I see love as a choice just like you choose to get up in the morning.  There is nothing forcing you to, but you just do.  You may not be able to choose that you care about someone, but once you care deeply enough, you ultimately make the choice of loving or not loving them, and you continue to make that choice.
     Although most romantic love I’ve seen in my life has been pretty screwed up,  it is still easy to see that love is hard over time.  People fight and have disagreement or rough patches, but choosing to love this person means staying for them, and also sometimes it means leaving for them.  Love means doing what’s best for them even if it hurts you both.
     To me love is very complicated.  It’s just a word without the actions.  It can mean always being there when they need you, or telling something they need to hear even if it hurts.  It can mean doing what’s best for them or just putting them first.  I tend to love deeply and give my all.  I expose my vulnerabilities even though I’m typically a private, closed off person.  But I also love the wrong people who take advantage of that vulnerability and trust.  These people manipulate me because of the emotional vulnerability, and eventually abandon me once they’ve warped me.

     The first couple of times, I got right back up, but a person can only tale so much before they break.  I shattered after a while.  I built up a wall, and I swore I wouldn’t let anyone in.

“Love is giving someone the power to completely destroy you, and hoping that they won’t” -Suzanne Wright

     The problem is more likely than not, they will destroy you.  I hung on to this idea for a long time to try to save myself from the inevitable pain.  However, living like that alone and closed off, it causes just as much pain.  The lonely pain doesn’t even give you good memories.
     Ultimately, that era came to an end.  I met someone, and even though I promised myself I wouldn’t care and that I wouldn’t get attached, I did.  He made it pretty easy though.  He made me feel something different from I ever had before.  He treated me in a way I’d never been treated before.  Even though he never loved me, he still made me feel more loved in those two months than I’d felt in my entire life.  And even though it ended I don’t regret a second of it, and we’re still good friends.  He’s one of my best friends (whether he knows it or not) if I’m being honest.
     My whole perception changed.  I realized these things aren’t my fault, even if its hard to stop blaming myself.  Maybe it’s a good thing that I love so freely and emotionally; it is hard for some people to show those emotions.  I used to want people to love me so badly, but now it doesn’t really matter.  It’s perfectly fine for me to love someone, and them not to love me back.  I just feel more deeply.
     I realize that life is fleeting, and you never know how long you have.  In that context, I’m glad I can love easily.  I also feel the need to tell the people I love that I love them as frequently as I can.  I suggest you do the same.  You always regret the things you didn’t get to say.
                                                                                                                     -Love, Dee