Tag: happiness

Posted in Emotions

Getting Your Hopes Up

Posted on by flamingirl6

“It was one of those times you feel a sense of loss, even though you didn’t have something in the first place. I guess that’s what disappointment is- a sense of loss for something you never had.”  ― Deb Caletti

I have a bad habit of getting my hopes up about everything, and then, my life is so much harder when it all falls apart.  I see all the bad things in my life, and I try so hard to see the good.  Most of the time the things I see as good are things that haven’t fully developed, like new opportunities and prospects.  This is probably the reason it’s so hard for me to be optimistic.

It is easy to imagine a bright wonderful future when you’re depressed and imagine having certain things in your life.  However, when you have the opportunity to have these things or even do get them, they’re not really what you imagined.  They don’t fix you or make you happy.  They’re probably not even what you imagined because nothing is really like the fairy-tales you imagine.  There are real problems and real issues.

That doesn’t stop you though.  You keep thinking about the future and how it will play out, and this is a mistake.  It blinds you from what is right in front of your face.  There is always that negative little voice in your head that tells you the truth and warns you, but you brush it aside time after time because if you address these concerns you are called negative and paranoid and maybe even crazy.

If the thing you are getting your hopes about is a person or a relationship, a quote from a TV show comes to mind.   In the show Bojack Horseman, Bojack and his girlfriend are breaking up, and to explain why things changed, he says, “Same thing that always happens. You didn’t know me and then you fell in love with me. And now you know me.”  I could really relate to this.

“Sometimes people don’t want to hear the truth because they don’t want their illusions destroyed.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

We see people the way we want to see them.  We see opportunities the way we want to see them.  We gloss over what is actually in front of us with what we want it to be.  We ignore the voice that we hear telling us the truth because we don’t want to hear it.  We allow ourselves to be happy and hopeful on false securities.  We’re happy about something we don’t have and never will because it probably doesn’t even exist outside of our imagination.

Then, whatever it is, gets taken away.  We feel empty and sad and disappointed.  We play a game of what if and try to figure out how we could have ended up with the opposite result.  We obsess and cry over the things that never got the chance to happen like they were ever really ours or in our path.  The worst part is how we blame ourselves.  We get upset because we should have known not to be happy until it was really ours.  We should have listened to that voice in our head that we ignored, but it was always right.  We have to leave with the pain of losing something we dreamed up even though it was never real.  We should know better than to get our hopes up.

-Love, Dee

Posted in Goals

Following Dreams

Posted on by flamingirl6

“Stay true to yourself, yet always be open to learn. Work hard, and never give up on your dreams, even when nobody else believes they can come true but you. These are not cliches but real tools you need no matter what you do in life to stay focused on your path. ” -Phillip Sweet

I have spent my entire life looking up to my older cousin.  He’s always had such big dreams and has done so much to accomplish them even when the world seemed like it was against him.  He’s always seemed so sure of himself and the things he wanted.  I’ve always wished I could be more like him.

My cousin always wanted to be a musician.  He loves music and was always very good at it.  He can pick up an instrument and learn to play in no time at all.  When he was young, our family thought it was cute and supported his love of music.  As we grew up, that changed.  We were both outcasts in our family because my grandmother considered us “not country enough.”  He never seemed bothered by this even though it tore me apart.

Around the time he was in high school, he grew his hair long and formed a heavy metal band with some friends.  He took it very seriously, and they played lots of shows.  He was happy and getting to do what he loved, but our family made fun of him for it.  They told him it was just a fad to cut his hair and grow up, and that he sounded like Nickelback (it made no sense that had a screamer in the band and it was a different type of music altogether).  I think he may have taken it more as a challenge because he just threw himself into his music even harder.

After he was out of school, he took a lot of crappy jobs.  He put his music first and that meant he needed off for shows.  When a place wouldn’t let him off he’d quit.  I mean it’s not the best thing to do, but it was his life and he knew what he wanted to do with it.  At some point, his band broke up after going through lots of different stages.  We all thought he’d quit music after that.  Our family gave him a hard time about not having good jobs and changing jobs so much and for wasting so much time on a music career that they didn’t believe would go anywhere.

He started doing music solo and posting videos on YouTube.  He did some covers and some originals.  It didn’t really take off too much.  He started settling more into his life.  He got a more serious job and worked his way up to manager.  He also had a health issue for a while.  His music took a backseat for a while.  Our family finally thought they had won that he’d just quit.

He started playing again and posting videos.  He played shows solo and recorded his music at a studio.  He actually sells his singles on music websites like Itunes.  He has a small following.  He always believed in himself through all this he even got his own lyrics as a tattoo.

“You can only become truly accomplished at something you love. Don’t make money your goal. Instead pursue the things you love doing and then do them so well that people can’t take their eyes off of you.” ― Maya Angelou

This may not seem like his dreams came true because he’s not a rich rock-star, but he is living his dream in a way.  He’s happy, and he’s doing what he loves.   He’s working to get his music out there.  He has so much confidence and drive.  He never let anything or anyone stand in the way of his dreams.  I feel like people should fight for their dreams in this way and do what they love.  I know that I wish I could accomplish even parts of my dreams like he has.

-Love, Dee

Posted in Beauty

Beauty

Posted on by flamingirl6

“You will never look like the girl in the magazine. The girl in the magazine doesn’t even look like the girl in the magazine.” -Jessiemae Peluso

Appearance shouldn’t really be something we focus on, but that seems to be all that matters to some people.  I mean we as a society parade girls around to be judged on their looks from a young age like it’s normal.  From a young age, I was convinced I was supposed to look a certain way like the people on television and in magazines.  Everyone has these insane beauty standards that I could never meet.

There were always outside pressures, but the biggest pressure was from inside my own family.  The people who are supposed to love and be there for you were the people who made me feel like I wasn’t good enough.  My grandparents were always concerned with my appearance.  My grandmother always scolded my mom for letting me eat what I wanted.  She would sit there and watch me eat and say things like “Are you sure you should be eating that it’ll make you fat… well fatter.” She’d scream at me for eating carbs or even just eating.  I’d lose my appetite when she’d make a comment or just give me one of those looks.

It didn’t stop there.  She also threatened me for vacations.  She told me if I didn’t lose fifty pounds in a set period of time that I wasn’t going to be allowed to go on the family trip to Disney World, and she was serious.  I barely ate anything and would work out for hours everyday because I wanted to go so badly and I lost enough to go.  I kept it off for a long time because I wouldn’t eat.  I was so miserable not eating anything I liked or getting to really be a kid I didn’t even eat cake on my birthday.

I was glad I lost weight and had already been trying to because of all the comments people had been making at school.  Horribly, nasty comments based solely on my appearance.  The one that stuck the most was I overheard a guy say that they would rather kiss another guy than me because I was so ugly and fat.  When I changed it, I was accepted even though I was the same person.

It went farther than that though my grandmother and everyone else had to throw in their two cents on every detail.  If I didn’t wear makeup I wasn’t perceived as pretty, but if I wore two much, i was perceived as a whore.  If I didn’t dress up, I was lazy, but if I did, I was too high maintenance.   If I wore my hair straight, I was told I should curl it, but if I curled it, I was told it would look better straight.  If my shorts or dresses were too long, I was a prude, but if they were too short, I was a whore.  How is anyone supposed to feel good about themselves if everyone always has a snide comment?

I’ve never thought of myself as pretty, and the things people have said have ruined any self-esteem I ever had.  I look in the mirror and all I see is flaw after flaw.

“Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.” -Confucius

Eventually, I decided not to care.  I gained weight, and I’m chubby so what?  I dress how I want to with what I like.  I fix my hair how I want, and I do my makeup how I want.  I’m not going to try to impress anyone.  I don’t really care what they want.  I’m happier this way.  I’m doing what makes me the happiest.  I still don’t have a high self-esteem, but I’m not stressing over how I should look and what others want.

People may not look at me and think I’m beautiful, but beauty shouldn’t be skin deep because looks fade.  Beauty should be deeper.  It should come from inside and who you are because that is much more meaningful.  Who you are as a person is way more important than how you look on the outside.  Maybe if this was the message society sent, more people would feel comfortable in their own skin.

-Love, Dee

Posted in Love

Deserving

Posted on by flamingirl6
“Unworthiness is the inmost frightening thought that you do not belong, no matter how much you want to belong, that you are an outsider and will always be an outsider. It is the idea that you are flawed and cannot be fixed. It is wanting to be loved and feeling unlovable, or wanting to love and feeling that you are not capable of loving.” -Gary Zuka
     I find that I keep asking myself the same questions over and over.  Why don’t I deserve love?  Am I unlovable? Is there something fundamentally wrong with me that I am blind too?  Every time I have voiced these concerns they always return the same reply. “You do deserve love, everyone does.”,”You’re very lovable.”, and “There’s nothing wrong with you.”  I don’t really know what to say next when I get these responses because I don’t see them as quite accurate.  If everyone deserves love, then why doesn’t everyone get it?  If I’m so lovable, why can’t you love me?  If there is nothing with me, then what drove you away?
     I try not to, but honestly I get bitter when I see happy couples.  I mean is there some hierarchy as to who deserves love more than someone else?  I see these horrible people who are self-centered and think they’re better than everyone else and treat everyone around them like shit have these wonderful loving relationships with all the cute couple things like sending flowers and dressing up for fancy dates.  How is this person more deserving of love than me?
     I’m not saying I’m some wonderful person.  I see all my flaws probably better than anyone else. However, I try my best to be nice to all the people around me and do everything I can for them, but I still get walked all over for it while someone who is rude and mean to other is rewarded for it.
     Maybe I’ve just watched too many fairy tales and Rom-coms in my life.  I guess maybe I focus on the wrong parts of a relationship, but it really bothers me that no one has ever bought me flowers, or been there for Valentine’s Day, or my birthday, or been to a family function even when I was in relationships(not that all of them coincided with those dates).
     I always wanted love to be like those cheesy 80s movies with some grand proclamation.  The classics being standing outside of your window with a boom box (“Say Anything”), or Jake Ryan leaning against his car across the street (“Sixteen Candles”), or showing up on a lawnmower (“Can’t Buy My Love”).  I know how unrealistic that is.  I mean I’m not the kind of girl someone would do that for to begin with.  I’m not what people usually consider pretty, I’m chubby, I’m overly emotional, and I have psychiatric issues.
     I never expect some grand gesture that’s not really the point.  I don’t think my standards are too high. I don’t really think even my bad qualities should make me undeserving of love, but it seems that they do.  I just want someone to care enough and love me enough to do those things.  I mean like the stupid stereotypical couple things that everyone pretends to hate but that they actually love.
      My happiness doesn’t depend on having another person around, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting it.  It doesn’t stop from wanting to be loved.  It doesn’t stop me from getting upset every time I see happy couples in love in real life or in movies.  It doesn’t stop from asking, “Why not me?”
     Every time I ask that, I go through a mental list of my flaws.  I try to find why people don’t want me, and why I drive them away.  I know my emotional issues have driven people away, and it makes me so angry at myself because I can’t help it.  I also can’t help feeling bad about myself or feeling unlovable.

“Eventually you love people – friends or lovers – because of their flaws.” — Karen Allen

However, that’s not the way love is supposed to work.  If you love someone, you love them for who they are, and who they are is the flaws and all.  And if the love isn’t more than skin deep, it isn’t really love anyway.  It’s still hard because no one has been capable of loving me in a romantic sense, and there’s always the nagging voice in the back of my head that says no one ever will.  Even if it’s not my fault, it’s still hard to stop blaming myself because there isn’t anyone else to blame.

-Love, Dee

Posted in Getting Away

Escape

Posted on by flamingirl6

“All the best stories in the world are but one story in reality -the story of escape.  It is the only thing which interests us all and at all times, how to escape.” -Walter Bagehot

As of late, I’ve been feeling very trapped in my own life.  My entire life has taken place in such a small area.  I never really moved except a couple of streets over, and although my university is in a different town, it still seems to close.   I’m just starting to feel claustrophobic like the state borders are closing in on me.

The scenery never changes. I see the same people who I’ve seen all my life over and over.  It feels like there’s no escape from the past or even just the current.  It all seems to be a little mind numbing. The same routine day after day with no variation.  Seeing the same places doing the same things, it’s no longer the comfort it once was.

I used to be so afraid of change and leaving, but now it’s all I can think about.  I just want to get in the car and drive, not caring where it takes me.  I feel like anywhere else would be a welcome change.  I just want to see the world after being sheltered from it for so long by barely leaving home.  I want a fresh start somewhere new.  I want to have stories to tell and new experiences.

However, for now, I just have to settle with the simple escapes life throws my way.  I feel like people can be an escape in a way; certain people are at least.  Something I often look for in friends in spontaneity (which I seem to lack).  The best kind of people are the ones that call you and say “I’m outside.” or “Let’s go to (insert place here).”  I mean it may not always be convenient, but neither is life.

I seem to like to be around people who make me forget all my worries and stress like they never existed.  Things seem so much simpler when you’re laughing so hard you can’t breathe, visiting some random new place, driving down the road with unconventional music blaring, or just having a deep conversation with a friend.  The bad thoughts just disappear for a while and are replaced with happy ones. And you escape it all.

“That’s the funny thing about trying to escape. You never really can. Maybe temporarily, but not completely.” ― Jennifer L. Armentrout

Your mood is so high, but it doesn’t last.  You feel better about your problems, but once you’re alone again, they slowly come back.  For me sometimes, it takes a couple of hours to start the worrying again, sometimes a couple of days, but it always comes back.  I never seem to realize how good I was feeling until I hit a new low.

The happy memories bring me optimism though.  The next adventure is the light at the end of the tunnel.  I just have to get there, and thinking about what a good time I’ll have helps me through the darkness.

I live for those random moments of happiness that are so all-consuming that you don’t see the bad in your life.  For me, those moments, those adventures, they give life meaning.  I treasure each one, and I never stop looking for the next one.

-Love, Dee